GamerWeb!

To: Adam Doree, Mike Smuland, Craig Hansen and Gavin Frankle
Subject: An Offer!

Dear NintendoWeb, SegaWeb, SonyWeb, PCGamerWeb and whateverthehellelseyouhavethatendsinWeb,

Hello! I am a starry-eyed young scamp taking his first few steps into the icy pond of internet journalism! I am currently looking for a place to lay my world-weary hat and start making money! With the money I make from internet videogame writing, I hope to buy a new car or pay my tuition or ADOPT A DINOSAUR. As you can clearly tell, my command of the language is akin to the command a magician holds over those quarters in your ear! To put it more simply, I’m quite good!

GamerWeb has always been my favourite site on the internet! Even before it existed, it was my favourite. I used to connect to www.gamerweb.com and just stare at that white 404 page — so cold, so impassive, so right. I knew something great would grow there. I knew life would spring from that oh-so-fertile dirt. And you know, I think something HAS. A cabbage. Or perhaps a beet root. No, wait — cabbage. You guys are CABBAGE!

Anyways, the reason I am writing to you today is because, as I’m sure you are aware, Nintendo is planning on releasing its handheld console “Gameboy Advance” (NOT Cowboy Vance) in the coming week. To put it mildly, this is BIG BIG news! I am EXCITED and IMPASSIONED and probably a little SLEEPY. This is like the Buffalo Bills winning the by god superbowl and then cheering wildly and celebrating before playing Dodgeball and fitting in my pocket! It is HUGE! It is MASSIVE! It is http://www.thesaurus.com/cgi-bin/search?config=roget&words=big!

Regardless, I feel that I can combine my burgeoning internet writing career and my need to own a Gameboy Advance! And I feel that you, GamerWeb, are just the people to help me. I, Matt “Arbuckle” Davidson will write for GamerWeb.com and all its subsidiaries if you meet my following terms:

– One (1) Gameboy Advance shipped to ME. For no cost to myself or to my dear dear mother.

– One (1) cute greeting card included with the aforementioned Gameboy Advance. Perhaps something congratulatory with kittens or puppies or a Far Side cartoon.

And that is all! Give me those and I will come onto your website network as a fully-paid salaried writer, or perhaps an editor, or even EDITOR IN CHIEF if you want. I will work very hard! You can count on me. I have been in this business for almost two weeks now and really feel I have a lot to contribute. Why, just other day I was mulling about my house in front of a roaring fire when I thought to myself, “I have a lot to contribute. Also, we’re out of MILK!” Do you like 1%, 2%, or Whole milk best? I like milk because it gives me strong bones!

Thank you for your time. If this offer is acceptable to you — and I can’t see any fathomable reason why it couldn’t be — please feel free to reply to this, and I will give you my proper mailing address! I really think I have a bright future at GamerWeb or perhaps the Milk Factory!

Your pal,
Matt Davidson

[GV's note: Following replies have been received:]

[GV's note: Why does no one take me SERIOUSLY?]