Where we’re going, we won’t need roads

To: NASA
Subject: Question about Planes going REALLY REALLY FAST

Dear Mr. Nasa,

Hello. My name is Matt Davidson and I am absolutely tremendous when it comes to any and all facets of thinking, learning and higher education. Many have remarked that I am truly a beacon of knowledge and information illuminating an otherwise dark (AND STUPID!!) world. I have formerly been very successful in educating friends and family about the deadly radiation of space, creationism and the fake parts of the moon landing. (Look at the shadows!)

However, there are some things in life that go way beyond human understanding. This is where you come from. Me and some comrades of mine have recently been contemplating something that we believe may alter the very basis by which we view the world, and cereal, around us. This theory is so very scientific and exciting that it can only be described as “Quantum!”

Our theory is as follows. Okay, you may be familiar with this new thing called “time zones.” There are approximately five of them in North America — Newfoundland, Atlantic, Eastern, Central, Western and Pacific. These “time zones” are quite interesting because they mean, quite simply, that it is a COMPLETELY different time anywhere in the country! It might be 4 o’clock PM in Ohio, and 9 o’clock AM in Idaho! This is the craziness of “time zones!”

In any case, I have noticed that the employees at NASA have been building very FAST planes recently! Very very fast! Very very very fast! What I am wondering is, could you build a plane that could travel from New York to California in under three hours? As we all know, the time difference between those two places is exactly 3 hours, which would mean, if this proposed plane could go fast enough, that you could leave New York at a certain time and arrive in California at the EXACT SAME TIME you left. You could literally, figuratively and practically fly from New York to California in ZERO SECONDS.

I’m sure you guys already know about this and are working on the plane to do it. But my plan goes even FARTHER. Let’s say you create this ULTRA FAST PLANE that can fly from New York to California in ZERO SECONDS, but what if you don’t stop at California? What if you keep going? This plane could circle the globe in EXACTLY twenty-four hours! Time would STOP for the people on board! They would NEVER age and NEVER have to move to Florida or break their hips or anything! They could then stay on the plan for a MILLION YEARS, only to emerge and find the earth a veritable wasteland of super-intelligent octopods and women and FIRE and death!

Now, you’re probably saying “Mr. Davidson, you’re off your rocker!” Haha, maybe once, but not now. I am aware that a terrorist could somehow sneak aboard this super time-traveling plane and SABOTAGE the mission. This is where Harrison Ford comes in, friends. Be sure to put him on board.

Please contact me in regards to when you plan to start this mission.

Oh, and remember, 1.21 Gigawatts!

Your pal in science,
Matt