Love, Actually

There’s so little I can say about this film, yet I want to say so much.

Yes Yes, I know, it’s got Hugh Grant in it along with every other British actor in the world, and it’s a lovey-dovey romantic comedy, the kind that manly men are supposed to shun in favour of movies with giant explosions and witty one-liners and BOOBS, but god was this movie affecting. If you want to see a film that will leave you shivering with sappy emotion, this is that film. If you want to see a film that’s conclusion will undoubtedly make you wander out to the theatre lobby in search of someone — anyone — to hug, this is that film. It’s an utterly brilliant and hilarious look at relationships and the raw power of love that all of us — yes, that’s right, all of us; cynics are just liars — feel deep within us.

If you are at all moved by all things sappy, go see this film.

On a related note, the movie has turned me into a lonely and desperate fool, so it is without much ado nor fanfare that I unveil the great DATE MATT COMPETITION 2003.

Here are 10 quick reasons why I am the ideal lover/boyfriend/husband/life-partner/guy-who-mows-your-lawn for you, ladies:

1) I am desperate. Thanks to sappy romantic comedies, my standards are lower than a midget at a limbo contest! It matters not what you look like, or what your personality’s like, really. I will date anyone! Fear rejection? With me, there’s nothing to fear! I will latch onto you like a leech to a pale, hairy leg in a shallow pond.

2) I am in touch with my emotions. Just look: I have a black website! I write whiny updates every month documenting my various emotional crises, which range from “I am lonely” to “Why I am so alone” to the ever-popular “Wish I could stop being so lonely!”

3) I am artistic. Look at that fucking image I made in Photoshop! Not just anyone can use Photoshop to put Arial Black text on a picture and then run that text through various filters — it takes real skill. Also I once wrote a story about some cryptic stuff that sort of sounded pretty if you didn’t think too hard.

4) I can fix your computer. That’s right. Computer problems? Look to me! Thanks to throwing away my high school years and spending all my time on the computer, I have a wealth of knowledge. I can defrag your hard drive! I can run antivirus programs! I can yell at you for installing Kazaa instead of something that doesn’t come with 900 instances of spyware.

5) I once killed a man in Reno just to watch him die. This proves that I am tough.

6) I am romantic. I once listened to Total Eclipse of the Heart six times in a row, so I could learn all the words. I can recite the song verbatim to this day. Sometimes I choke up at the “I really need you tonight” part.

7) I am dedicated. Thanks to crippling self esteem, I will consider you my last best hope at finding love and hold onto you no matter what you do! Feeling bored? Sleep with another guy! I’ll probably forgive you.

I have a sense of humour. One time this summer I started asking people straight-out to name four things they hated about baseball. I thought this was hilariously funny because, really, it’s a weird question to be asked and an even weirder question to try to answer. There are so many things to hate about baseball — who can possibly pick four?

9) I am successful — In addition to having my writing published in Oakville Today, and being a former writer for Nintendorks.com, I also was mentioned on Sports-Den.net by my buddy Luke Adams. He is correct in his stating the number of visits this site gets, but anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

10) I am relatively weird looking. You may see this as a disadvantage, but look on the bright side — I’m easily recognizable! When your friends ask who you’re dating, you can just say “the weird guy!” and people will know who you mean.

Okay, I am sure you are all wondering how you enter this contest! Simply send your name, age, location and a short paragraph detailing why you are the ideal candidate to this address or simply leave a comment with that information below this article. By the end of the month, I will pick one lucky lady and together we will find love, happiness and satisfaction with each other.

And then I will probably wake up and cry a little.

But man, was Love, Actually a good movie.

Matt