The Erin Balser update

If I had to sum up Erin Balser in one word, I’d probably mumble something like “manicalsupericecreamfrenzy!” and then run off into the woods. I don’t know why, but I assume that were I to be asked to sum up Erin Balser in one word I’d be adjacent to the woods. I bet it has something to do with the concept of time-space. Or perhaps Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Today we present the Erin Balser update for exactly three reasons: the first is to document the incredible piece of art she commisioned from me, the second is to finally make public her giant list of people she wants to marry, and the third is to type the name “Tom Curran” so much that if he ever types his own name into google search, he’ll find this article. Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran.

Let’s get to these in order, shall we:

1) Here is Jay Nathwani singing “Ice Ice Baby” while twirling his arm around. Ian Gray — who has a very nice smile — is standing behind him and stepping forward or something. There is also music. My hope with this piece is for Jay Nathwani to write a letter to King’s newspaper The Watch about me. Tom Curran Tom Curran. [Note from the FUTURE: This was unfortunately lost forever.]

2) THE LIST
Presented here for the first, and possibly last time. This is the list of Erin Balser’s future husbands, unedited and unchanged. They are in some sort of weird order that makes no sense. They are NOT in no particular order.

1. Uncle Jesse
2. FYP tutors and lecturers — a) Tom Curran b) Mark Blackell c) Kyle Fraser d) Matt Robinson e) Simon Kow
3. “Scrubs” a) Jan Itor b) Perry Cox
4. William Shatner
5. Fresh Prince and/or DJ Jazzy Jeff
6. TOP SECRET (psst, it’s probably me.)
7. Rudy and Ethan from Survivor
8. Willie Nelson
9. Paul who quit S Club 7
10. Any one of Mel Gibson’s 6 sons.
11. Archie Andrews
12. Wheeler or the black guy from “Captain Planet” (NOT the kid with the monkey)
13. Any other red-haired cartoon character
14. Anyone who is secretly a superhero EXCEPT Peter Parker
15. Fran-K from Sister Act 2
16. Mushroom Kingdom crowd - a) Mario b) Luigi c) Toad (TOAD??!)
17. Vanilla Ice
18. MC Hammer
19. Dead writers — a) Pico Della Mirandola b) Christopher Marlowe c) Niccolo Machiellveli
20. Babar (The Elephant King!)
21. Mr. Dress-up (I have so many lewd jokes involving the “Tickle Trunk” it’s insane)
22. The guy in the Five Alive commercial who dances when he scans Five Alive
23. Orlando Jones
24. Agent Smith
25. Everyone she forgot.

If you are one of these people, please leave a comment with your contact information and Ms. Balser will contact you in order to plan the nuptials.

3) Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran Tom Curran.

I hope this has been both enlightening and educational.

Continuing, here are some weekend pictures. All I will say about this weekend (Aside from Fuck, You’re Awesome) is that we went to like SIX parties. That’s right — SIX. You can tell it’s a lot because it’s in italics.