’til there was Hugh

As I sit here now in my room that smells of warming radiators and sausage-flavoured chicken, I am sure of absolutely one absolute in the universe. And no, it has nothing to do with love, or existence or great theological mysteries. There is nothing permanent to be found in those, I believe. Rather, the only thing I know for certain is that Hugh Grant does, in fact, have tiny nipples. Really tiny nipples.

And you cannot judge me, because the next time you’re in the presence of a shirtless Hugh Grant, you’ll notice too, and hence join me in this pit of sanctimonious sadness where we use words incorrectly and babble on til dawn about the cosmic link between Hugh Grant’s tiny nipples and the incorporeal soul that defines each and every one of us.

My life has become a never-ending parade of movies starring Hugh Grant; they pass me by on a daily basis and, god help me, I cannot help but look. And now, as I’ve reached bottom, less than 24 hours removed from watching “Nine Months” and writing paragraph after paragraph about Hugh Grant’s tiny nipples, it’s become increasingly clear that there is no escape from this path I’ve picked for myself. All I can do is submit to this savage beast with its charming British accent and carefully tussled hair. I wonder, sometimes, how I got here, but then another DVD comes my way, and all that’s left is more and more Hugh.

I am now going to briefly review every Hugh Grant movie I have seen. It is my hope that, one day, when I am a successful author or, indeed, equally successful cashier at Great Canadian Bagel, someone will come upon this list and use it as blackmail material. It is, after all, good to have goals.

In chronological order:

1. Four Weddings and a Funeral
Hugh’s first big hit, and one that sets the tone for all of his more successful films. There is a formula to a successful Hugh Grant film, and for some weird reason that formula will generally include a scene in which Hugh gets into a car and drives really fast, often with a bevy of people accompanying him. His films are also generally characterized by a wealth of other less-attractive British people who flank Hugh and make him look more attractive. Also there is — and I’m being incredibly perceptive in making this observation — often a love story.

This film includes several scenes where Hugh gets into a car and drives really fast, which is why it was such a hit, I think. There are also lots of less attractive but still zany British people hanging about the film. And it’s fairly well written, too, with the funeral speech up there as one of the better written scenes in any of the movies listed here. Too bad Hugh’s love interest is Andie MacDowell who, fresh from annoying the hell out of us in Groundhog Day, is back to annoy the hell out of us here. Still, a good flick. RATING: **** (out of 5)

2. Nine Months
Hugh is back, but where are the BRITISH PEOPLE? He is like the only one! And all the British pals have been replaced by guys like TOM ARNOLD and JEFF GOLDBLUM WITH A MULLET and now you’re just screwing with the formula, Hugh. However, they did remember to put in a scene where Hugh drives really fast and there is, of course, a love story. So two out of three ain’t bad.

There’s some really bad slapstick in this film. And Chris Colombus is like the worst director since… I don’t know. Let’s say Moussolini. Julianne Moore is good, though, and at its core it’s a sweet story. One star off for Tom Arnold. One star off for Jeff Goldblum’s mullet, and one star off for Chris Colombus and his continued existence. Rating: ** (out of five)

3. Extreme Measures
I saw this on TMN like years ago so I don’t remember a lot of it! There MAY be a scene in which Hugh Grant gets in a car and drives really fast, but this isn’t a romantic comedy and Gene Hackman is the worst British person since Moussolini! Also, if Hugh Grant was my doctor, I think I’d be kind of like “What the fuck, dude — you can’t even rollerblade.” Rating: * (out of five)

4. Notting Hill
Screenwriter Richard Curtis, you’re back! And you’ve brought a bunch of less-attractive but still zany British people with you! And you’re god damn right there’s a scene in which those British people all pile into a car and drive really fast. And, yes, oh yes, there’s a love story! Yeah, it’s Julia Roberts, but she’s about as good as she gets here, and this is the film that still has me waiting for a girl to come up to me and tell me that she’s just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Rating: **** 1/2 (out of five)

5. Mickey Blue Eyes
Hugh, you fool! James Caan isn’t British! And for some reason you look like you’re 13 throughout this whole movie. If Hugh Grant was *MY* mafia hitman I’d be like “What the fuck, dude, you can’t even Rollerblade.” Rating: * (out of five)

6. Small Time Crooks
I forgot he was in this but imdb says he was! I remember thinking it was decent, especially for a post-1990 Woody Allen film, but that’s not really saying much, is it? Rating: ** (out of five)

7. Bridget Jones’ Diary
Hugh is a bad guy in this movie! And not really the star at all! But you know what, Renee Zellwigger has been one my dearest friends since she danced atop Empire Records while singing “Sugar High” so I like this film, nonetheless. Also there are a lot of British people in it, so that obviously helps a lot. Rating: **** (out of five)

8. About a Boy
Man, I’m getting tired. This film is awesome, though. The best Nick Horby adaptation out there, and yes, that means I think it’s better than High Fidelity. And that’s not easy for me to say, either, since John Cusack is really quite a cool guy. This movie has a veritable BUSLOAD of British people, and a scene where Hugh gets into his car and drives really fast. It’s not really a love story, but the script is really strong and you’ll especially love it if you hate ducks. Rating: ***** (out of five)

9. Two Weeks Notice
I’ve only ever seen part of this but dammit Sandra Bullock, why won’t you die. She’s decidedly not British, Hugh, and did you SEE The Net? It was really really bad! I’d write more about this film but I’m at the point now where I’m realizing that this whole article was a really bad idea, even if I did write it to avoid studying. Rating: NO STARS (out of five)

10. Love, Actually
Richard Curtis, you’re back AGAIN! And this time you are directing! And by my estimination there are over 12,000 plotlines in this film. And Hugh’s is good. He’s the Prime Minister! And does he tussle with those dastardly Americans? You bet your sweet bippy he does! What does “sweet bippy” mean? I don’t know. There is a scene in this movie where Hugh Grant gets in a car and doesn’t drive himself but rather is DRIVEN reasonably fast to find a girl, so I’d say it qualifies as meeting that requirement. There are also so many British people in this film that I almost started to suffocate a little in the theatre and have since developed an insane craving for scones at all hours of the night.

Really really sweet film. I recognize that it’s not the most technically complex film in the world, but it does the whole sappy love thing really well, and I’m not sure why I’m saying this since I already wrote about it further down the page. Rating: ***** (out of five)

Wow, though it’s only ten films, it seems like a lot more. Also, even after doing all that, I’m nowhere near close to figuring out the mystery of Hugh Grant’s tiny nipples. Why are they here? What do they mean? In this cosmic ballet we call the universe, where do Hugh Grant’s tiny nipples fit?

I guess they mean different things for different people. For some of us, it’s love. For others, hatred or feeling of anger. And for yet more of us, they’re simply what they are: tiny nipples on a British actor’s chest, an ever-present symbol reminding us that no matter how big the man, some things never change.

I really shouldn’t hit ’submit’ on this one, should I?

Too late.

Matt