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Find your Ideal Mate. Ten tips to find the one. Ten ways to drive him wild. Real stories from successful couples. Love in Paris. Love in Hawaii. Love on the train. Love on the boat. The ten best places to find love. The ten signs to watch for. Find your dating IQ. Fashion tips for the clubs, bars and parties. The ten best songs to fall in love to. Then ten best ways to ask her to dance. Test your sexual compatibility. Take our boyfriend quiz. The colours of spring: lipstick, skirts and pantyhose. The perfect woman: How do you stack up?

Swirling thoughts overhead like a helicoptor rotor. Keep your head down; don’t get too close. Eight bottlecaps in my pocket. Stare at the world through warm liquid the colour of the desert sky at sundown. It’s not dark enough. Lights flashing on the wall. Neon logos, strobelight life, a thin film of smoke. The lights’s too bright. Can feel it in my head. The music’s too loud. Can feel it in my stomach. The voices are too rough. Can’t feel anyone at all.

Signs to look for on the first date. How early is too early? How fast is too fast? The perfect first kiss. Make-up tips for the party girl. How to tame the bad boy. Top ten teen starlets reveal beauty secrets. Hairstyles of summer. Embarrassing moments. Do you believe in love at first sight? Do you believe in love at all?

The bottle in my hand empties. Spin with the beat, let your body go. The first few notes of every song scream. Put my arms above my head, everyone is doing it. Finish my drink, order another. Cigarette ash under my feet. Yelled conversations at every side. There is no stopping now. It’s a timeless arrangement of something we’re not sure of, a beautiful disgusting mess of bitter-tasting fun and look how my legs move. Look how I smile.

Leg-waxing, arm-waxing, lip-waxing, and waxing-philisophical about relationships. How can you tell if he really cares? Take our quiz. Blonde, brunette — which should you be? How to get your guy off the couch. How to get your guy into the salon. How to get your guy everywhere. How to get a guy. The importance of the right accessories. How to notice him noticing you. How many guys should one girl date?

Girl to the left wearing tight-fitting pants. Highlights in her hair. T-shirt that’s high-cut and low-cut. Lipstick like the surface of Mars. Moving like she wants to, like she needs to. Wild, erratic, ugly and her. Don’t go to her. Don’t touch her arm. Keep your distance. Don’t pull her closer. Drink another drink. The room smells of spilled drinks, obnoxious perfume and too much cologne. The couple against the wall is pressed together like gravity’s gone sideways. She kisses his lips as he touches her. The music is too loud.

What kind of personality do guys want? Want kind of personality do girls want? Keep a journal and write about your desires. True love is out there. It’s a new perfume fragrance, it’s an article on the back page, it’s a waterbra, a haircolour and an aerobics tape. Why don’t you have it? Why do you want it? These are uncensored accounts of true love.

I’m lost in a sea of people. Groping hands across my back, across my front. Spin like you’re a child, let the dizziness take over. Get lost in her dull eyes. She smells of beer and cigarettes and so much else. She dances like she stumbles, falling into herself. Smiles lipsticky smiles, holds her hands above her head. Highlighted hair whips around her round face and she’s falling into you. Her shirt is wet. Hands on her back. She laughs into your shoulder and holds you close.

True love stories from Prague. What the experts have to say about sex. The ten best positions. The ten best places. The ten best times of day. Take our sexual knowledge test. Rate your lover’s prowess. Does size matter? Pros and cons of plastic surgery. How to get him to cuddle afterwards. How to get him to stay all night. How to get him at all.

Shouted question of “What’s your name” drowned out by throbbing bass. Heart keeps pace with the slow beat. Rushing blood as she holds herself close and sways all wrong. She answers in a whisper, close to my ear, but I hear nothing. I love touching hair, touching skin, touching her as she touches me. That would be a good song to play now. She looks fuzzy so close. The music sounds like bells — alarm bells and wedding bells and those bells that ring after you win at horse racing. I ask her to name other kinds of bells and she laughs because she doesn’t hear me and looks at my eyes and I’m laughing and laughing and god just watching it spin.

Totally true romances. Reader surveys. When were you naughty? When were you nice? How to get over the guy who broke your heart. How to break up without breaking his heart. Is your partner faithful? Is your partner right for you? Take our quiz. The secret of true love is on page 78. What does he really want? True love? What does she really want? True love? What do they really want? True love. What does anybody really want? What do you really want?

There’s a man building a gazebo in my head. He hammers and saws; the sounds echo and my brain hurts. I think of places I’d rather be, as she spins away from me with ugly grace. I think of people I’d rather love, as she looks back at me with empty eyes and a false smile. She gestures with a painted fingernail that I should come back to her, and as I do I think of the ocean and the crashing waves. Her head’s in my shoulder again, and I’m trying to remember the words to “Greatest Gift of All”. Her lips are close to mine, and I haven’t even gotten to the chorus.

The perfect anniversary gifts. How to make your guy feel special. How to make relationships last. The shades of nail polish he wants to see. Trendy places to go on fancy dates. Does he hold your car door open for you? Does he take your hand when you walk to class? Does he make you happy? Take our quiz. Do you make him happy? What does he want from you? What do you want from him? What do you want?

Her kiss is long, soulless and pretentious, like the books you read as a kid. Her mouth tastes like liquor, and her tongue dances with mine with a repulsive practiced style. I wonder when I’ll need to breathe. I wonder what happened to my last drink. I wonder when this will stop. It’s not often you feel sick, and in love, and regretful and proud all at once. Her hands don’t leave my back. The kiss breaks like a storm, and her eyes are on mine again, and she smiles that terrible empty smile. The song ends, and she’s kissing my ear and whispering. “What do you want?” she says, in a hushed tired tone. I answer back and stroke her hair as we fade off the dance floor together into a magnificent abyss.

Whispered words of “I want you.”