Deeper in my pocket

Wow, do you guys realize I only have two updates left (including this one) before the month of May is OVER? Then I can stop updating! For weeks! Hell, I can stop visiting this site entirely. It’s not like I think it’s very good. Every time I read anything posted here I end up thinking “Pfft, *I* could write better than this guy.” It’s all kind of derivative and forced. It’s like, dude, relax a little. Nobody really cares about you and your silly little website.

I’ve retroactively declared May to be anti-social month. I’ve spent probably less than five hours with people in a social setting this month. Work is a lot of fun, but it doesn’t really count. And as much fun as I have searching random streets in downtown Oakville to find my drunken brother and his girlfriend at 1:30 a.m., that hardly counts either. Though it is pretty funny when I do finally find him and the two of them spend 10 minutes figuring out how to open a bottle of water. (”Twist it!” “Twist it?” “Twist!” And then they both laugh for an hour.)

Regardless, as I’m a gigantic nerd with borderline OCD, I like to think of the beginning of every new month as a chance to set new goals and effect change. The obvious goal to set for June is to spend more time with people. Because it’s not like I don’t have people who want to hang around with me. It’s quite the opposite, in fact; people LOVE me! We’re talking crazy amounts of love, too! Like how the British loved Churchill. Or how parrots love crackers. Or how lamps love shade.

It’s disturbingly easily to become accustomed to being alone. Sometimes I find myself even liking it. Friendship I don’t mind so much, though even that can cause social anxiety at times. But I’ve been thinking lately about romantic relationships and I’ve come to the conclusion that while there are a lot of things about being involved with someone that I DO miss, I don’t exactly know where I’d find the motivation to pursue a relationship again.

I think back specifically to the beginning of my last relationship. I was so into it then. I was so devoted to this one person. I spent hours and hours with her and when I wasn’t with her I was thinking about her. And I remember being so happy back then, but when I look back in retrospect and consider going through that AGAIN, I wonder where the hell I’d find time to, y’know, watch DVDs. Or READ. Or WRITE. Or learn how to throw playing cards into a baseball cap. Or enact dramatic scenes in front of the bathroom mirror, where I deliver monologues about the need to not give up no matter how many tornadoes and brush fires stand in our way.

I think one of the biggest mistakes we both made in that last relationship was devoting ourselves too completely to one another. It strikes me as yet another case of me living my life like it’s a dramatic television show. I want my love to defy convention and provoke opera singers. I want my feelings to be staggering, uncomplicated and pure. I want my experiences to be ones that, when told in a darkened room to friends ands trangers alike, bring tears and sympathetic sighs. But, really, this dramatic TV show is getting pretty hard to watch, and there comes a point where I have to start being real.

Maybe that can be August’s goal. Or September’s. But not October. October’s goal is to meet professional wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts and convince him to give up his life of drugs.

Matt