Heaven Above Me. The Spy Who Loved Me

Lately like six hundred people have tried to IM me and I feel really bad for missing pretty much all of them. I tend to set my computer up in high-traffic areas at home and then frequently wander off right in the middle of things. Often because my brother and his girlfriend are breaking glasses or attacking my youngest brother or screaming for no reason in the other room. Please don’t assume that I am ignoring you because I don’t like you! I would never do that. Well, almost never. Okay, I do that a lot. But not to YOU! I promise.

Here are some personalized messages to people I know!

Kristine — Your smile reminds me of the lights above a baseball field and your greatness transcends both time and space to become some sort of hyper-greatness of the fourth dimension that will lead us all to a heaven we’ve only known in dreams. Hey, we need to do something again soon.

Rory — Hey, man, when are you going to Ireland? I hope you’re still going to Ireland! Here is a list of things you should do in Ireland: 1) Drink beer 2) Find Irish Eyes and see if they are smiling 3) Drink beer. Also, did you hear that the producers of ER have fired Dr. Elizabeth Corday? I feel pretty bad for her but it’s not like they were doing much with her character anyway. All that business about her being ‘too old’, though? Pfft. I’d still do her. And by ‘do’ I mean ’spend time with her until such a point that she wishes to engage in a relationship with me.’

Bryan — Did you get that Justice League finale to work? I really want to see it! I heard it is based on the classic JLA story “The Tower of Babel” written by one Mark Waid. It was a pretty awesome story in the comics and I want to see what they did it with it on the show. I could probably just download it myself but, you know, I’m lazy.

Toni — I would download the world and the stars and all the planets for you, if you asked. Please don’t ask, though. That’s an impossible task; downloading the stars — pfft! But I will download other things for you, provided I can find it. Just tell me what you need! Also I have an awesome copy of Kill Bill Volume 2 now so everyone is invited over to my house for a Kill Bill movie-a-thon.

Jeremy — I hope you have found a job! Were I a rich man I’d hire all my friends to be personal assistants because, hey, it’s always nice to give people jobs, and also, I like to order my friends around and make myself feel more important than they. Here are some job ideas I’ve just come up with: Baby talk enthusiast, guy who writes and distributes transcripts of Hollywood Squares, really abstract physicist.

Kendall — You’re in Africa! But only for like one more day. That’s crazy. Where has the time gone? Don’t try to answer that as it’s a rhetorical question. Hey, now that you’re back we can go to the zoo, right? I want to go to the fucking zoo! That profanity was entirely unnecessary.

Care — Do you get TMN? Do they HAVE TMN in New Brunswick? I was wondering tonight when I was watching the awesome new episode of Six Feet Under. It would be kind of sad if you had to wait and download the episodes like some sort of filthy pirate. Anyway, you post on my forum a lot and that’s pretty great. Were I to give anyone a pineapple, it would be you.

Katie — I don’t know if you actually read this site on a regular basis, but I’m sorry for missing your IMs too! I hope your summer is going awesome and that rural Nova Scotia is just as thrilling as it sounds. I’m still looking for movies with John Stamos to download for you. I’ll never give up that quest.

Luke — Remember when I said I was going to write something for sports-den soon? Did you really believe that? Becuase it seems kind of unbelievable. It’s like, me? Writing for Sports-Den? Pssh. Next time you jump out of a plane you should be all “Wow, this is just plain crazy!” because it’s hilarious and will put your instructors in a good mood before they go back to their (probably) broken and loveless homes.

Jack Kentala — Keep reaching for those stars. I don’t know if I ever told you but your Paper Plane movie was pretty good. You should make a movie based on one of my sappy stories because I’m a whore for myself. I recommend the one with the talking pie because that was one hilarious pie!

Roger — Hey, remember ForeverMan? I wonder if I’ll ever do anything with that. I think it’s a good idea but it’s all complicated and confusing! I’m sorry I barely saw you when you came down to Toronto but I’m an anti-social fuck and should probably be shot repeatedly and fired out of a cannon into the endless abyss.

Joe — Joe is the best person ever.

JWB — I don’t know where JWB went! I think he’s locked in a freezer somewhere flashing back to old episodes. He’ll probably get out just before the closing credits, so I’m not too worried.

Pearle — I just talked to you the other night! So hell if I’m writing a PARAGRAPH for you! If you get more hits than me I swear I’ll be jealous and never talk to you again.

Josh — Kristine was very angry at you for spoiling the Gilmore Girls and I think next time she sees you she is going to attack you with a flurry of punches and kicks and uppercuts and more kicks. So be careful! She’s spry.

Everyone else — I love you all. I really mean that. Like, absolute true love. I would marry and deflower all of you. This is partially because I’m desperate and partially because you’re just so attractive. But mostly it’s the desperation thing.

Songs of the Moment

• Radiohead — Nobody Does it Better
• Connie Francis — I will Wait For You
• The Himalayans - Round Here

Does this update make it look like I’m NOT writer’s blocked? Because I am. Very writer’s blocked. It’s pathetic, really.

Matt