John Berry John Berry

The following is sponsored by the confusing spam e-mail I continuously receive. John Berry really wants to tell me something.

Who is John Berry? What kind of man could John Berry be? What drives John Berry? Is it ego? Malice? Some sort of sports energy drink? John Berry seems to defy all manner of convention. John Berry is an athlete, a scholar and a scientist. He is working on becoming a philosopher but can never remember how to spell the word correctly. John Berry wears suits and ties and, on cold days, hats. John Berry is often described as enigmatic but, to John Berry, the word sounds sort of funny. Like some sort of automic enigma machine. This, John Berry thinks, is not the way to describe him.

John Berry smiles at the oddest times and disappears to go places without so much as a word or a glance. John Berry’s fathers name was also John, but John is not John Berry Jr. John Berry is simply John Berry. John Berry is a proper noun. It means John Berry. John Berry is a verb, it means to John Berry. John Berry is an adjective, it describes one who is John Berry. John Berry is John Berrying the John Berry, you’d say, and you’d be right.

And the infuriating thing about John Berry is that no matter how much we John Berry the John Berry to John Berry him, we’ll never really John Berry John Berry. Because John Berry isn’t John Berry, he’s just John Berry. A mystery. A John Berry. John Berry John Berry John Berry. John Berry.

MATT IN A RACE CAR

Click for bigger!!!

Why is Matt in a racecar? John Berry. What’s that? JOHN BERRY!

OUR PUPPY

The following is a photo essay sponsored by John Berry. Who? John Berry. What? John Berry.

Here he is taking in his new surroundings!

Here he is mugging for the camera!

Here he is obscuring my sinsiter-looking brother, Chris!

Here he is eating my youngest brother’s face!

Here he is with my mom!

Here he is fighting a fountain!

Here he is looking confused while my mother is saying “Go pee!” in a cutesy voice!

The dog’s name? John Berry. No, wait. The dog’s name is GRIFFIN. Because, well, I don’t know. Something to do with ancient mythology and Harry Potter or something. But mostly due to John Berry. God he’s so John Berry.

In conclusion, please stop e-mailing me, John Berry. You jerk!

Matt