TBT #22: Merry Christmas Everybody

Jamie Daytor - Christmas in Oakville
Dude, this song is great because I live in Oakville! And have Christmas here! This song is pretty awful and corny. He THINKS it’s Christmas in Oakville? Dude, that’s not some theory you’re working on. It’s either Christmas or it isn’t. And “It’s worth the miles to see the smiles?” Way to use the metric system, you douche! Still, though, it’s great to see my small snobby city singled out as a great place to have Christmas. And, indeed, let’s not forget those no longer with us.

Savage Garden - Last Christmas
Okay, so it’s a well known fact that everyone who likes celebrating Jesus’ birth views Wham’s “Last Christmas” as the definitive Christmas song, challenged only by certain versions of “Little Drummer Boy.” I’d include that song on this list but you already have it on your computer and thus downloading it would be a waste of your time and bandwidth! I wouldn’t feel right with myself if I didn’t have a VERSION of that song on this virtual CD, however. And thus I was forced to choose between two musical acts of little discernable talent: Savage Garden or Hillary Duff. They’ve both covered the song. In the end, I went with my boys Savage Garden because they had that hit song way back when that was all “ChickaCherryCola” and that was pretty great. I’m sure you remember.

Bruce Springsteen - Santa Claus is Coming to Town
I’m typing these descriptions as I listen to these songs as to give this article a ‘real time’ feel. You may see me as Jack Bauer-type figure, if you want. That would be pretty great. Ever since I saw 24: Season Two I’ve wanted to yell “TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!” at people I see on the street or in restaurants or on airplanes. So far, no dice. Speaking of things I love to yell, I love yelling “Bruuuuuuuuce” just like that. It’s one of the best names to yell, especially when it’s yelled at Bruce Springsteen. Or Bruce Wayne. Both are equally good. This song doesn’t have a whole lot of singing in it. The introduction is very long. And, minutes into the lyrics, Bruce seems to have trouble with his synthesizer monitor. Which is pretty funny in its own right. And the guy saying “Ho Ho Ho” throughout the song RULES. One of the best things ever, even if it does cut off abruptly!

The Polyphonic Spree - Happy Christmas (War is Over)
The Polyphonic Spree are perhaps the best band made up of like sixty members who all wear robes for some reason. This song is an endearing classic, made popular by John Lennon and Yoko Ono and then later by a really depressing television advertisement that tried to get me to give money to starving children. As a rule, I love any song that features a children’s choir singing the chorus. So any version of this song is sure to get me pumped for the holidays! I guess it really only works during years when wars are over, though. So not this year. “Happy Christmas (Military Action Continues)” doesn’t sound as good, however.

Bright Eyes - Blue Christmas
Look, if you’re expecting me to make any sort of list of songs that doesn’t include my pal Connor Oberst then you probably don’t know me at all. I’d find a way to work him into a list of my favourite songs from the 1960s, I would. I love the guy THAT much. This is from his “A Christmas Album” album that defied convention by being an album of Christmas songs. It’s also, in fine emo tradition, pretty sad. But this song is kind of upbeat, as long as you don’t listen to the words too closely. But I’ll have a blue blue blue blue Christmas.

Relient K - I hate Christmas Parties
Who the fuck is Relient K? Why did I upload this song? I can’t really remember. I think I only listened to the first like 5 seconds of this song, heard piano and decided it was my favourite song of all time just based on that. It’s not a bad song, though, even if the guy should cheer up a little! “A broken heart wrapped up in a box / There’s tear drops in my stocking” Hilarious! Sometimes I wish I had an ex-girlfriend I despised so I could send her terrible Christmas presents like cow hearts and boxes of manure and a list of reasons why she isn’t as attractive as she thinks she is. Oh well. Maybe next Christmas. Overall, this guy seems really pissed off becuase his girlfriend didn’t buy him any presents even though he probably asked for, like, an RC car or one of those little portable fans kids took to class on hot days. So he is sad.

Queen - Thank God it’s Christmas
Man, I love Queen. It’s too bad for Freddy Mercury about that whole death thing because he was pretty great and I think he could still be topping the charts today. Especially with tracks like this! It has a lot of things in it that I love. The fact that he is very excited about Christmas, to the point where he is yelling! The fact that the say “For One Night” really dramatically because I love it when obvious things are stated in a dramatic tone. The fact that it basically degenerates into the same line repeated over and over again. I love stuff like that. Five stars.

Pilate - Fairytale of New York
Those of you who read my first-ever Sports-Den article one year ago recall my fondness towards this Christmas classic, originally by The Pogues. It’s an amazing song for numerous reasons, most of them havint to do with the idea that it’s a Christmas song that includes the phrase “Cheap Lousy Faggot”. This version by indie band Pilate may top the original in many ways, as I find the woman singing the female parts to be incredibly attractive. Well, I assume she’s incredibly attractive. I’m only speculating, based on her voice. But she sounds HOT. I love the whole “I could have been someone” “Well so could anyone” exchange, too. It makes me think about life and love and hopes and dreams and how we’ll put it all aside for six hours of videogames and pringles.

Billy Mack - Christmas is All Around
I love the film Love Actually to a level that threatens my inherent manliness. It’s so great it’s nearly unbelievable. This song, a track that figured prominently into the movie’s plot, is astoundingly bad. And that makes it wonderful. The fact that it’s just a revised version of “Love is All Around” makes it so much better. Any Christmas mix CD that lacks this track is incomplete! It, along with a version of the Wham! song, are the songs that will define Christmas for our generation.

Ron Sexsmith - Maybe this Christmas
I bet Ron Sexsmith hears a lot of jokes about his name. Like people infer things about his name and his libido. That must be rough for him. I bet people are like “Ron, you must LOVE sex!” To which he can only respond “Yes!” while thinking at the same time, “But I also love charities!” Anyway, this song is short but I like it because it is full of hope.

Smasing Pumpkins - Christmas Song
Oh, Billy Corgan. Is there anything you CAN’T be melancholy about? It’s like you did that whole ill-advised ZWAN thing just so you’d have something else to feel sad about in the end. Regardless, he sure is GOOD at being melancholy. This song is pretty solid, even if it seems to be about dying on Christmas.

The Darkness - Christmas Time
I have a weird relationship with The Darkness. Sometimes I feel they are a cheap novelty act, and othe times I find myself singing “I believe in a thing called Love” really loudly in my car and drumming on the steering wheel and not seeing traffic signals. I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes I don’t like The Darkness, and other times I feel like they’re trying to kill me in a traffic accident. But (And listen young bands, as this is important!) the one thing a band can do to endear me to them is record a Christmas song that ISN’T just a lame cover of “Jingle Bells” or whatever. This song is pretty fun and reminds me of the 1980s, which I guess is what they’re going for.

The Flaming Lips - Christmas at the Zoo
Just the title of this song is fantastic. Christmas at the zoo! How fun would THAT be? Just opening gifts with the rhinos and chilling with the penguins and learning how to play Texas Hold Em with the monkeys. A wonderful time would be had by all! Except I guess this song is about breaking animals out of the zoo which would also be a fun thing to do at Christmas time but probably more dangerous and if there’s one thing I fear it’s DANGER (and success).

Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody!
I feel this song is appropriate to end this virtual CD as it ends with this awesome guy yelling “It’s CHRISTMASSSSSS!” which, I think, in the end, embodies the spirit of Christmas as a racous, uncontrollable, loud and out-of-nowhere holiday. It also reminds me of The Office’s Christmas Special, which makes me cry every time I think of it because, god, what an ending.

So that is all I have for you! I hope you enjoy these songs over Christmas tea or bacon or whatever people eat at Christmas. Also for those of you at home on stupid dial-up connections, these songs will remain on the server for months and months, allowing you to download them in January and look like a freak when your roommates hear you listening to Christmas music in January.

I’d like to sincerely thank everyone who reads this site for doing so, as if you didn’t read I’d probably be sad. I never thought I’d be able to maintain a website for so long, and it’s only becuase of the readers who have commented and followed along that I’ve kept it up as long as I have. I wish you all the best in this holiday season, and a very Merry Christmas.

Here’s to another year of whatever the fuck this is.

Matt