TBT #8: What do they know about magic?

Due to recent political events, The Best Things will not be seen in its original format tonight. Instead, please enjoy the following informative story about Unicorns.

Unicorns do exist

So says the 28 August 2004 edition of Science Europe. In a paper entitled “Negatively-charged neutrinos in subspace where positive ions are present, and the existence of Unicorns,” Glasgow-based physicist Dr. Andrew Berk makes a very startling discovery: unicorns, long thought to be merely the stuff of myth and legend, do exist. Dr. Berk’s article concludes, “Therefore, based on this overwhelming evidence, one has no choice but to conclude that indeed high-and-low spectrum — essentially invisible — animals are indeed a reality in this universe, and that the most common of these animals is a small horn-bearing Equus, bearing a striking resemblence to the mythological unicorn.”

Facts about Unicorns

#1: Unicorns are invisible. The only way to detect them is with a powerful blast of gamma radiation. Some people claim to be able to ‘feel’ the presence of unicorns, either emotionally or spiritually, but such speculative hearsay has no scientific backing. The scientific community agrees that the only known way currently to detect unicorns is with full spectrum radiation-based analysis of suspected areas. Some has speculated that unicorns also transcend physical space, i.e. they cannot be touched. This is incorrect. It is quite possible to touch a unicorn, but due to their small stature and relative quickness, it is very unlikely that anyone would come in contact with one that hadn’t first been entrapped.

#2: Unicorns love people. Science is unable to explain the attraction, but unicorns are nearly always found around people. Young girls, age 5-9, especially seem to attract unicorns far more than any other demographic. What is especially interesting about the unicorns is that current research indicates that they are incredibly anti-social when it comes to other unicorns, but will actually seek out the presence of human beings.

#3: Unicorns do not age. This has been a hard concept for many in the field to grasp. All unicorns that have been studied have appeared to be the same age. None of them displayed any physical or mental characteristics reflective of the aging process, save for one that we will outline later. Since the discovery of the unicorn, scientists across the globe have devoted hours to the study of unicorns. Though they have learned much about the strange invisible beast, they have yet to have had an opportunity to study the breeding habits of the unicorn. As of today (17 September 2004) some scientists are speculating that the unicorns do not breed. They simply live forever, invisible and untouched, until now.

All Unicorns must die

The unicorn has long been known for its most promimnent physical feature — its horn. Often in myths, the horn was the source of the unicorn’s magic, a notion that was quickly disproved by the study of unicorns in captivity. Of course, the unicorn possesses no magical properties, in its horn or otherwise. It is simply a regular animal that exists outside of the physical light spectrum and is small and quick enough to avoid physical contact with humans.

The horn, however, holds two interesting properties unique to the unicorn. It is, as far as science can ascertain, unbreakable and unremovable and it will grow. And furthermore to the latter point, there appears to be no limit to the unicorn’s horn growth. The horn will continue to grow bigger the longer the unicorn lives. And since unicorns do not appear to die of natural causes, many of the unicorns studied have horns measuring thirty-to-forty times their horizontal body length. These giant horns can also weigh upwards of 500 lbs, thus making it impossible for these animals to so much as lift their head or even walk, in some cases.

These unicorns are suffering. As animal rights activists and decent human beings, we cannot allow this to continue. These unicorns must be destroyed, humanely and decently. Now that we have become aware of their presence, we are able to end their suffering, and it is our duty to do so.

We must not be deterred

Letter to the editor, L.A. Times, 9 September 2004

To whom it may concern,

Recently, an unnamed group has declared September Unicorn Euthanasia Month, in an attempt to end what they see as the suffering of the newly discovered (but long rumoured) unicorn. Though it is hard to argue with their scientific basis for this today, I am concerned that perhaps they are making this decision in haste. After all, has not the existence of the unicorn only been known for a few weeks now? Are we sure that we have enough information to essentially wipe this new species off the earth?

Sincerely,
Julia Carville
Sacremento

Letter to the editor, NY Post, 12 September 2004

Dear editor:

I’m a fourteen year old girl who has always had a unicorn. I never needed science to tell me that my unicorn was real. When I was younger, she and I would play all day in the fields behind our house. She is my best friend, and I don’t believe she is suffering. We still talk and play, and she seems happy. Maybe not all the unicorns need to be killed? I don’t want to lose my unicorn.

From,
Stacy LeBeau
Buffalo

Posters distributed in the Chicago, IL area, week of 14 September 2004

MY DAUGHTER’S DREAMS ARE REAL
[Picture of unicorn]
DON’T LET THEM TAKE THEM AWAY
WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT MAGIC?

Would you let an animal suffer?

While we understand there might be some emotional pain — particularly for the youth, for whom the mythological version of this animal has long been symbolic of hopes and dreams — involved in elimating the unicorn that may have been living near you since your childhood, it is important to keep perspective. We are merely trying to keep these unicorns from prolonged suffering. Though your unicorn may seem in high spirits, how happy could they truly be, unable to lift their heads or gallop throguh fields as they are wont to? Consider the personal suffering that you could go through were your unicorn forced to suffer in perpetuity. This animal represents not hopes and dreams, but suffering and further suffering.

What need have you, as you grow older, for invisible animals? Particularly invisible animals who exist in pain?

Unicorn detectors can be made available through the Unicorn Euthanasia Website, or by calling our toll free number. Once a unicorn has been detected, one can choose to either call a local response team or humanely and quickly destroy the animal themselves, likely with a firearm or crossbow of some kind.

It truly says something for scientific advancement that all of humanity is finally able to save this great and noble animal, who, up until weeks ago, existed only in dreams.