The Best Things #6

Quietly stepping through barbed wire fields, we’re preparing for our own personal duels at dawn with the guys who rhyme our names with dirty words. Destruction is falling to the earth from enthusiasm-propelled rocketships with names like “Gus” and “Earl” and “Steve.” It’s only non-sensical if you really think about it, so stop thinking about it already.

These are the best things ever for September 3, 2004.

NUMBER 5

Certainly not this, anyway

I am back in Halifax and thus have very little time for internet games, you cads. I don’t even have an internet connection yet, technically. I just plug in my wireless card and somehow get a connection but it’s probably illegal and possibly immoral. I don’t want to go to jail, people. I’ve seen enough prison movies to know that jail is not a pleasant place unless you’re like a serial killer cannibal in which case you get a nice private cell with a bunch of books.

My presence will be sporadic until I get an actual legal internet connection (within a week or so!). Being away will give me time to sort the zillions of DVDs I somehow accumulated over the summer. I look at these things on my shelf and wonder, “Hey, what the hell possessed you to buy Big or Better off Dead?” I mean, I guess the latter can be chalked up to my unhealthy obsession with John Cusack, but Big is a mystery. I guess I just really like when men play giant pianos. That’s probably it.

NUMBER FOUR

The season premiere of Scrubs

I wanted to review this more in depth but I am living on borrowed internet time! The police will get me soon. But I have to say how awesome the season premiere of Scrubs was this past Tuesday. I think it might have been, line for line, funnier than any episode from last season. It might even make a revised top 10 if I really cared enough to think about it! Everything from “JD!!! TURK!!!” to “From now on we’ll call this Roof A!” to “Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da…” to “Wolverines — ROLL ON!” to “And Hugh Jackman!” to “What’s that X for?” to, I don’t know — just watch it. It rules.

The rest of this week’s edition of The Best Things will be presented entirely as a sensory experience. Words will be kept to a minimum when used at all. You might call this pointless filler, but I, a much more learned person than you, would call it really pointless filler that also happens to be pretty fucking stupid.

NUMBER THREE

A chilling vision of things to come

NUMBER TWO

Yeah, that’s Ron Jeremy

NUMBER ONE

You just can’t let those robots defeat you

The Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots from Moveon.org’s “Future Soundtrack for America” compilation is the best thing you will hear this week.

Illegally,
Matt