Things to do before 2005

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone. I know for many Americans, the concept of Canadian Thanksgiving can seem threatening and vaguely offensive, but trust me, the only reason we celebrate Thanksgiving a month earlier than you do is because our growing season is shorter. And also because we hate you and will consume your flesh when your political system implodes.

I have recently noticed that 2004 is almost over. This fact is angering up the blood! Why, it seems like only yesterday I was celebrating the new year, sitting on my couch at home with potato chip crumbs on my shirt, ignoring the phone that wouldn’t stop ringing, hoping that the world would soon go dark.

It has been a year of ups and downs. And also lows and highs. Ups and downs and lows and highs. And occasionally, some mediums and middles. Truly it has been a year of contrasts, and my one regret is that perhaps I have not done enough to fill this year with memories! When I look back on 2004, what will come to mind? I seriously cannot figure it out. There was a lot of sitting around, some drinking, some drama, some movies and very little content that would merit anything more than a PG rating. It was a good year, overall, but I need to make sure that in addition to being good, it’s also memorable.

Here is a list of things that I think would make this year the best year since that one where they were making new episodes of both FOX Kids’ Spider-Man and FOX Kids’ X-Men (Previously on X-Men : “JEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” “I go where I WANT TO GO!”) and also the Super Soaker 200 came out.

THE LIST

• Write a novel

  I know, I know. You’re scoffing. And you’re right to scoff. I have promised to write novels before, often on this site. And every time I do, I end up not doing it. I end up coming up with all sorts of excuses — sickness, schoolwork, falling in love, dinosaur attack — to the point where I feel JUSTIFIED in not writing my promised novel. But I swear to god, that’s not going to happen this time.

  November is National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel between November 1st and November 30th. The emphasis is on quantity (i.e. the number of words) rather than quality. It is with this motivation that I will complete this task. I will update this site daily (or bi-daily) (or semi-weekly) (or weekly) with my current progress (and probably excerpts). But I will promise right now, that even if I have to include large blocks of plagiarized song lyrics, I will break the 50,000 mark. And a novel will be written. A gloriously twisted novel formed with the bones of half-baked ideas and bizarre tangents amounting to nothing more than me whining about why I can’t find love.

• Win an iPod
  I sure love Pepsi. And while I don’t have much experience with iPods, I sure do love them too. Until December 25th, Pepsi is running a Canada-exclusive contest in which they are giving away an iPod every hour on the hour. I have decided I will enter every hour until I win one. This is, admittedly, hugely improbable, mostly because entering every hour would require me to not sleep for more than 50 minutes at a time and that would probably leave me dead in less than a week. So maybe I’ll only enter for the hours I’m awake for. That will probably be good enough.

  To the other Canadians reading this site: Please do not enter. In fact, tell your friends not to enter. Tell everyone you know that this contest is a scam. Because it is! There’s no way you’ll win an iPod! They’re all for me.

• Find my ER DVDs

  I lost my ER: Season One DVDs in my very own home. How did this happen? It’s not a very big home! In fact, it’s downright cozy. So far my theories on the ER DVDs range from “Maybe I kicked them under the couch” to “Maybe they were stolen as part of some international supervillain terrorist plot involving stealing DVDs and using them to reflect the deadly rays of the sun into the eyes of various members of the United Nations.”

  If anyone has any ideas as to where my ER: Season One DVDs could have gone to (or would like to buy me replacement DVDs), please send a self-addressed stamped envelope and the top of a box of Honey Combs to my house. Thanks in advance for all your years of service.

• Have a very Merry Christmas

  Apparently my Christmas break will stretch from December 18th to January 9th this year. Because A) My stupid “Narrative of the Cinema” class has an exam on, like, the very last day of the exam period thus proving once and for all that it’s the worst class of all time. And B) Because, though classes start January 4th, I only have classes MTW next term, and there’s no way I’m going back on the 4th for just TWO DAYS of introductory bullshit classes. As I’ve been doing this university stuff for nigh on three years now, I’ve learned that the first week of classes (Especially English and History classes) is ALWAYS a complete waste of time, as art students are fickle bastards who take no less than two or three weeks to finalize their schedules.

  I also have, like, a week and a half of nothing from December 6th to the 14th. I have no idea what I will do during this time period. If anyone would like to hang out and watch TV-on-DVD box sets with me, I’d be very happy to have you. We could even watch my ER:Season One DVDs, assuming the international terrorists return them to me once they are finished blinding members of the United Nations.

• Redesign my website six times

  Just kidding.

• Make a better list

  Yeah, like that will ever happen. Also, I apparently didn’t win the 11:01 p.m. EST drawing for an iPod. I have only one thing to say about that: Motherfuck.

I can’t seem to find a reason to stop dancing,
Matt