TBT #25: Successive failures

I decided yesterday that more than anything else I want to be a writer. I also decided that not only did I want to be a writer — I wanted to be a FAMOUS writer. Because famous writers are successful writers, and I need to be successful. Otherwise my parents will be disappointed. So I got to thinking about the things I’d need to have if I wanted to be a successful writer. It took a while for me to figure out, as I have never been a famous and successful writer. But that’s okay, because I’ve never really tried before. After thinking for a long time, I came up with a list of three things.

They are the best things ever for January 15, 2005.

GooseWriter: Would you like to do an interview?
Staralfur: Me interviewing you or you interviewing me?
GooseWriter: Good start!
GooseWriter: You are interviewing me.
GooseWriter: I have decided I need to be interviewed.
GooseWriter: It is important to me.
Staralfur: OK, what would you like to be interviewed for?
Staralfur: The Mister America try-outs, or Senior VP for some mega-company?
GooseWriter: No no none of those!
GooseWriter: Successful people get interviewed all the time!
GooseWriter: And yet I have not been interviewed.
GooseWriter: So I am fixing that.
GooseWriter: You can ask me about my work and such!
Staralfur: OK, tell me about your previous work experience!
GooseWriter: This is not a job interview!
GooseWriter: This is like an interview which people will read because they are interested in me!

I have to be interviewed. I’m not sure why people don’t understand this. Look at any successful artist and you’ll see that they have been interviewed, often multiple times! Is it so inconceivable that I — a budding successful writer — would want to be interviewed, too?

I guess most writers don’t actually go out and ASK to be interviewed. They definitely don’t demand to be interviewed. And they probably don’t conduct interviews over online instant messenger programers. But I like to think I’m a visionary. Maybe after me, everyone will become successful like this.

GooseWriter: Hey do you want to interview me?
Maquiladora: ummmmm not especially but i probably could. why?
GooseWriter: I am trying to be successful.
GooseWriter: I figure I need to be interviewed for that.
Maquiladora: thats a really good way to be successful
GooseWriter: I figured
GooseWriter: So you can ask me questions and I will answer them!
GooseWriter: Okay, go!
Maquiladora: Who is the better Bobby Darin? Kevin Spacey or Bobby Darin?
GooseWriter: Bobby Darin is dead so I am going to go with the other Bobby Darin!
GooseWriter: I hardly see how this is applicable to me or my work, however.
GooseWriter: Don’t make me get angry and fly off the handle.

I thought people would understand that when I asked to be interviewed it would be with the express intent of talking about my writing. Because, honestly, what am I if not a writer? I thought that was what defined me for people. But these people — my friends — just seem to think I want to talk about my job or other random things.

I’m not sure I can ever be successful with friends like these.

GooseWriter: Do you want to do something awesome right now.
GuiltBuiltHouse: I was considering sleeping, which would be pretty awesome, but what were you thinking?
GooseWriter: This will only take a minute.
GooseWriter: I need you to interview me.
GooseWriter: So I can be successful.
GuiltBuiltHouse: I’m not sure I understand.
GooseWriter: Successful people get interviewed all the time!
GooseWriter: So I figure I need to get interviewed.
GooseWriter: So ask me questions about my work and such!
GuiltBuiltHouse: But you’re not successful.
GuiltBuiltHouse: As far as I know.
GooseWriter: I will be once I am interviewed!
GooseWriter: Seriously, man. Put on your logic pants.
GuiltBuiltHouse: Yeah I’m not sure this is going to happen.
GooseWriter: This is maybe the worst thing you have ever said to me.

Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. To be a successful writer, I also need two other things, but I thought I’d not think about them until after I got the interview down. I need to be talented, obviously, which is not something I can really get out there and do. It’s either there or it isn’t. And I hope it is there because otherwise I will fail and be sad and have to be a mailman or a truck driver or a projectionist at a movie theatre.

And I don’t want to do that. I want to write! I want to create! I want to sleep in until noon though that’s rather incidental to my becoming a successful writer. But, still, I’m not sure what else would make me happy in this world. There’s not a lot else I enjoy doing.

GooseWriter: I need you to interview me.
GooseWriter: FAST!
GooseWriter: So I can be successful.
MiscEtc: okay
GooseWriter: Okay, so go!
MiscEtc: What’s your name little boy?
GooseWriter: Um, you know that.
GooseWriter: This is an interview, not a molestation, though. You are not taking me to your van.
MiscEtc: I don’t have a van. Do you like vans?
GooseWriter: They’re okay, I guess. I think I like cars better.
GooseWriter: Feel free to ask hard-hitting questions!
MiscEtc: hard hitting huh? What’s your earliest childhood memory?
MiscEtc: Does it involve a van?
GooseWriter: You have a fascination with vans!
GooseWriter: It would be pretty sweet if my earliest childhood memory was being hit by a van, though.
GooseWriter: That would really have brought things full circle.
MiscEtc: But you never were hit by a van. What’s on your desk right now?
MiscEtc: follow up-how would these items help you to become more like your hero, Fidel Castro?
GooseWriter: A stupid chocolate bar called Flake that was all flaky and made a mess and I hate them!
GooseWriter: I guess I should have seen it coming.
GooseWriter: With a name like that.
GooseWriter: But who would intentionally make a flaky chocolate bar that makes a mess.
GooseWriter: It’s baffling.
GooseWriter: I also have some pens and stuff but whatever.
GooseWriter: In answer to your follow-up question, I don’t think Castro is really my hero. He is just my favourite dictator and as we all know dictators are hardly heroes.
GooseWriter: My real hero would probably be Teddy Roosevelt or that guy who played Shawn on Boy Meets World.
GooseWriter: Or Jamie Madrox, The Multiple Man.
MiscEtc: Ryder Strong?
GooseWriter: Yeah that guy.
GooseWriter: He was pretty funny.

Talking in circles such that even when it happens, it’s not what I want it to be. That was better but still wrong. Like another draft tossed to the floor.

The third thing I think I need to be a successful writer is ideas. To be interviewed, to have talented, to have ideas — these are my three things. And I’m still working on the first one. This isn’t going well.

I feel like I’m throwing too much up into the air, or maybe leaving too much to chance. A successful writer should always be in control of his words, but, with me, I’m not. They’re just going and going and going and I don’t know how to make them stop. I had a friend once who said writing was about control. I don’t talk to him that much anymore, though.

GooseWriter:Hello.
GooseWriter: I need you to interview me.
GooseWriter: Fast.
GooseWriter: So I can be successful!
GooseWriter: Hello?
GooseWriter: Are you there?
GooseWriter: Oh.
GooseWriter: Okay.
GooseWriter: Some other time.

I guess I can wait to be successful. Maybe for now I should just focus on being a writer — on the last two things. I’ll work on my talent and come up with some ideas. I’ll write a little story. Maybe people will like it. Maybe people will interview me.

I tried searching google image search for story ideas, in the hopes of finding some inspiration. The results turned up a picture of John Kerry, several flowcharts, and a high-resolution picture of a woman being fucked from behind by a tall man wearing an American flag as a poncho. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do with this.

I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.

The preceeding TBT was an attempt to write revolutionary fiction. It was, mostly, a failure, which is kind of apt. All of the characters were portrayed by real people, which made for an interesting, if boring, final result. Thanks to Pearle Tuason, John William Blakeley, Luke Adams and Brad Young for (unwittingly) providing me with characters for this little exercise. And thanks to you for reading this far because I don’t think this came together all that well!