TBT #29: So Lie, and Tell Me You Miss Me

So I have this idea for a short story that starts with this guy coming to the realization that he always misuses the word ‘arduous’. And this really bothers him because — aside from the word ‘arduous’ — his diction is near perfect. Often his friends and loved ones comment on his masterful use of the language. But, unfortunately for this guy, no matter how hard he tries he simply cannot figure out the word ‘arduous’. So he struggles with this for a long time, but eventually decides that as there’s no way he’ll ever stop misusing the word ‘arduous’, he might as well just accept it. Furthermore, he might as well try to use his misuse of the word ‘arduous’ to meet people. So he decides to start a club for people who misuse the word ‘arduous’.

So one day, after that, he’s telling his friend about his idea for a club for people who misuse the word ‘arduous’. The friend sort of just says ‘oh’ because, seriously, how else do you respond to the idea for a club for people who misuse the word ‘arduous’? So the friend says nothing, but the original guy continues. “Yes,” he says to his friend, “finding people to join has been a really arduous task.”

And then he stops, smiles, and looks to the sky. It’s the Best Thing Ever for February 13, 2005.

Nod Your Head If The Plans Have Changed

So this, right here, is a random thoughts column. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am feeling pretty lazy this week. And, also, feeling a bit tired. And even a bit angry and annoyed with the world! I could write you all a nice story but I worry that that would result in my writing main characters who are total jerks again and, honestly, I’m not sure if I can handle that sort of feedback. Clearly I need to wait for my sappy ideas to return, as those sorts of stories were really what made me a ‘hit’ to begin with.

Here are some reasons why I am angry and annoyed with the world!

• School! It sucks! Everyone knows it, too. People who talk about how much they love school are probably liars. Or whores. Or at least doomed to failure. I’m not really sure. I was thinking the other day that I really wish I could take some sort of etiquette class. You know, some place where they teach you how to walk with a book on your head and also show you which forks you’re supposed to use each kind of food at a fancy dinner. I feel like I missed out on a lot by never getting the chance to go to a finishing school. That probably would have helped me out a lot.
• Buying clothes. As you may or may not know, I am leaving for the Socialist Republic of Cuba in less than a week’s time. My reasons for this trip are many and varied but generally all have to do with the idea that this resort is all-inclusive and I can drink a lot of drinks with little umbrellas attached to the side of the glass. So I’ve been trying to find some clothes to wear while I’m on the island; I figured it was necessary considering that my usual wardrobe consists of jeans and a plain dark-coloured T-shirt.

  So the past weekend I went to some mall somewhere and tried to find some stuff. I really couldn’t handle it. I managed to keep up the shopping for about 15 minutes until I wanted to roll up into a ball and go into a coma. I really started to worry — and I understand that this is a completely irrational worry — that if I were to buy clothes at a big store like Sear’s or The Bay or wherever the young people are shopping these days that I would end up wearing the same thing as EVERYONE else! And that would be embarrassing! Mike says the solution is to get all my clothes monogrammed which, I have to say, is a pretty cool idea especially if I were to get them monogrammed with phrases like “Shirt!” or “Pants!” or “Camisole!” or what have you. I think it would be funny to think that the shirt is announcing its shirtness to the world with enthusiasm.

  But you may disagree.

• Anyone reading this right now in the hopes that there’s going to be some sort of drama-fueled rant. Not that I blame you for reading it for that reason (Though, honestly, couldn’t you read for the witty comments and the delightfully creative asides as well?) but the fact that there’s even the potential for a drama-fueled rant right now depresses me. As much as it may be hard to believe, I mostly don’t care. And I will not be playing into any sort of public back-and-forth between me and anyone. Well, not anyone. I’d probably have a public flamewar with Luke Adams if he wanted. I could totally take that guy down.

The unsuspecting victim

On the other side of the fence, here is some awesome stuff I have discovered lately:

• Michael Ian Black’s online column at McSweeney’s. You know, as much as I liked NBC’s Ed I really didn’t think Michael Ian Black was funnier than me. But reading these columns he’s written at McSweeney’s, there’s no doubt in my mind that he absolutely is. Which is both disheartening and, well, heartening, I guess, because they are really fun columns to read and I appreciate the way he writes. I will probably steal some of his stylistic quirks sometime.
• The Arcade Fire’s Funeral is probably the best album of 2004 as long as you don’t count Connor Oberst’s I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning which is obviously superior. But, still, those Arcade Fire guys are pretty fucking talented. What I think I like about them more than anything is that they seem to legitimately having a good time singing their songs. There’s a sense of enthusiasm to their tracks that is overwhelming, exhausting and just damn fun.

  I’d regret not seeing them in concert when they were in town but I think I have decided that I hate most Halifax venues so much that I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway. Guys, if you’re going to stand up, then dance. If you’re not going to dance, then hang back, lean against a wall or, gasp, even sit down. All this constant standing up is weird! Being three feet closer to the band really isn’t going to make a huge difference. Hell, being able to see the band isn’t going to make a huge difference, unless the lead singer is hot. And, also, stop doing fucking encores. I hate that! Sing your songs, say goodnight, and leave! If the crowd is so rabid in their demand for an encore that there’s a chance they’ll riot if you don’t come back out, then, yeah, sing another few songs. But it’s all become so formulaic at this point.

• The thought of leaving this city. While in many respects I feel like Halifax is my city — and further, sometimes I feel like I built this city, most likely on rock and roll — I am really looking forward to getting out of here and landing in the Socialist Republic of Cuba in a week’s time. This city, I feel, is contributing to this rut I am finding myself in. It is, luckily, a pretty comfortable rut, with enough space to comfortable lie down. The rut even has room for a small television and cooler filled with drinks so, in all honesty, I’ve been in much worse ruts in my time. But I think I’m ready to get out of this rut and face the world again. Or, you know, at least get out of this rut and into a new, more different rut. I’m not altogether picky either way.

International Brotherhood of Lying Fickle Males

The rest of this update will probably be quizzes. I say probably because I don’t know what I am going to write and I find myself just randomly skipping from topic to topic without any concern for the laws of space-time or, well, clarity. This is the literary equivalent of a vertigo patient riding the bumper cars. There’s no real aim, target or conscious movement, but, god, they can really hit hard sometimes.

On another note, next week’s The Best Things will be the last before a one-week hiatus while I am in Cuba. If anyone would like to sub for me on that occasion, please let me know. I am surprisingly open to the idea. The idea behind this weekly column is that I am going to do 100 editions — which should probably take me up to the end of fourth year, if I am at all good at math — and then end it. Column #101 will be a retrospective, not unlike VH1’s “I love the 80s!” where various celebrities will look back on my work. They will examine the highs and the lows, the good times and the bad, the hilarious and the touching, as well as that rough period between columns #70 and #84 when I was hooked on crystal meth.

What is simple in the moonlight in the morning never is

How many total songs?
1447 in iTunes. I have a bunch of other mp3 folders (including ‘Christmas’ and ‘Sappy’) that I only import for special occasions. Generally I try to keep my library filled with songs that I actually wouldn’t mind hearing at any given time.

Sort by Song Title - first and last?
First: “(Are You) The One that I’ve been waiting for?” - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Last: “Zoo Pie” - Guided by Voices

Sort by Time - first and last?
First: “Interlude” - Ben Folds[0:21]
Last: “The Train (Parts I, II, III, IV, V) - The Decemberists [18:35]

Sort by Album - first and last?
First: 0 - Damien Rice. I think the album is actually “O” but the id3 taggers are stupid!
Last: You Should Be at Home Here - Carissa’s Weird

Top five played songs:
1. “Poison Oak” - Bright Eyes
2. “The Blower’s Daughter” - Damien Rice
3. “The Jeep Song” - Dresden Dolls
4. “Evaporated” - Ben Folds
5. “So You Wanna be a Superhero” - Carissa’s Weird

Find ’sex’, how many songs show up?
Three! “The City Has Sex”, “Song Against Sex” and “Sexy Plexi”

Find ‘death’, how many songs show up?
Six. Three Death Cab, “Deathly” by Aimee Mann, Stars’ “He Lied about Death” and a track by Death in Vegas.

Find ‘love’, how many songs show up?
Fifty-fucking-seven. Jesus Christ. Either singer-songwriters these days are very cliche, or I enjoy sappy love songs.

The night’s busted open

I guess this is it, then, but I don’t want to let you go. I hope you can forgive me for all of this; I promise to bring you all something back from Cuba.

Drifting Drifting Drifting,
Matt