TBT #31, Part IV: First Aid Kit (alternative title: “Paranoid Pearle”)

This post was originally written by Pearle Tuason. 

Matt’s trip to Cuba, from which he should be arriving soon, is actually his first time outside of the North American continent. While I’m positive his time down there will constitute some of the best times of his life, I must confess that I have my reservations about him going to the tropics! Specifically, I’ve been fretting over the possibility of BAD things happening while he’s down there. Now, it’s nothing against the quality of life resort living can offer you, but I’ve been to tropical areas myself (being of Filipino descent requires this) and, well, I gotta say, the things you can run into down there aren’t as pretty as some of the stuff he’s used to!

So, to celebrate Matt’s impending return, here are some things he might want to look for upon return. Depending on what he’s contracted/stepped on/pissed off, one, some, or all of these might turn out to be the Best Things Ever for him, this Februay 26, 2005.

Twinrix: Ever watch that commercial where some generic hand is concocting a nice-looking mimosa, complete with paper umbrella, fresh fruit, and HEPATITIS? Well, it can happen! My brother made the mistake of drinking the tap water in Manila when we were young, and he was hallucinating for DAYS. Damn that Yellow Fever. While I’m aware that Matt is a cautious, conscientious, dare I say SMART guy who wouldn’t do anything like what my brother did (granted, he WAS 4 at the time), those little bugs are just flying around everywhere: they could be in the ICE, your SHOWER WATER, hell, if some sweaty guy were to flick back his Fabio-like hair and have his sweat spray hit you, that’s it, you could be infected!!!!

I swear I’m getting him tested when he gets home. Just to be safe.

Pyrantel: This is anti-worm medication. You see, worms like to live in the wet sand of coastal beaches — Matt’s staying at a coastal resort!!! Worms like to burrow up into the host body through the feet, and I can totally see Matt running (more walking than anything else, though) around on those sandy beaches without a care or pair of sandals to be seen for MILES! He’ll be prime worm-bait, to be sure!

To be safe, I think I’ll order some of this stuff now, so it’ll arrive in time. I’ll sneak it into his stash of Diet Coke. He won’t notice the difference.

Valtrex: That’s right, herpes medicine. Now, I’ve never gone anywhere for Spring Break, but I suspect there might be Cougars, strung-out college students mistaking the beach for a “Girls Gone Wild” shoot, and other opportunists wintering in Cuba as well. I trust Matt’s ability to discern the good girls from the bad, and I know he’s not the kind of guy who will shack up with just anybody, but who knows what might happen on one of those Cuban nights he’s down there. I’m OK with him having fun down there, but like the title of this post says, I’m paranoid!

I’ll be sure to ask the doctor to test for STDs when he’s done with the Hepatitis testing.

Counselling: This is for me. But I’m sure Matt would appreciate it if I got some, to be honest. I’m pretty over-protective of him, among other things, as this TBT would suggest. But, I think I’m justified. He’s an amazing person, and I would hate for anything to change him adversely. I’m pretty sure any of the above (including the one where he gets some action) would make things a bit more difficult for him.

Call me over-protective, paranoid, or whatever else, but really, my intention is not to be the voice of negativity; all I want for him is a good, simple life — I know that’s what he’d like, in the end, and that’s all I hope for in the end, as well.

Here’s to a safe (STD-free) return, Matt.