TBT #35: The Longer You Stay

As dedicated readers might already know, last year I developed an addiction to the NBC Drama ER. This addiction, coupled with a crippling kind of apathy that saw me not leaving my dorm room for days on end, led to me watching nearly every episode (Some 200 of them) over the span of three months. I’m not exactly proud of this, but I will say it’s given me a fantastically expansive knowledge of fake TV medicine, which is bound to come in handy. I was thinking today about my favourite moment in ER history. It came late in the show’s run. I think it was Season 8, which is mostly remembered as being a very very very long death scene for Anthony “Goose” Edwards. It was also in this season that nurse Abby “The Wife in Liar Liar” Lockhart dated Dr. Luka “Guy in Elektra” Kovac for a while, as part of her doctor-fucking world tour. The scene in question happened during their break-up, which took place early on in the season, before Goose started dying his very slow death. And really, I only love it for one line. One cold, brutal, perfectly delivered line.

Maybe one day I’ll tell you about it. But for today, enjoy The Best Things for March 28, 2005.

You Needless Braggart

I love it when I’m spending time, trying to think up an idea for The Best Things for the weekend, and then I realize, hey, it’s been a while since I’ve done a straight-up random thoughts blog column. Because that means I can do that and, honestly, it’s so much easier to do this than it is to come up with a nearly 3,000-word fiction post about an old guy who is dying or a guy who is unhappy with the state of his love life.

Anyway, as the subheading would indicate, I am going to brag a little. Firstly, I need to report that a revised version of Contrast (retitled to “Kind of Contrast” because I can’t resist that wordplay shit) won first place in the King’s Inkwell Society’s (Annual?) Poetry contest. I got money and recognition! Two things I’ve been after for YEARS. I actually submitted the piece as a short story because, well, I wasn’t aware that I was capable of writing poetry, much less prize-winning poetry. But the judges decided it was poetry, and I make it a point never to argue with anyone who is giving me a cheque. Thanks to the guys running the society and to judges Laura Penny, Susan Dodd and Alan Hall. You’re all good people!

Secondly, I have a creative essay entitled Go Planet! Marketing Environmentalism to Kids in the upcoming Dalhousie Undergraduate Environmental Science Student Journal, which I think is called Greeen Perspectives. The essay is in the ‘creative’ section of the book, which features of a lot of poems about saving the dolphins and whatever, so it feels really out of place. But it couldn’t go in the non-fiction section, as most of my facts were made-up. And, also, it’s about Captain Planet. Regardless, the book — and it’s an actual book, with an ISBN and everything! — will be out this week. I want all of you to go to your local library and DEMAND that they order you a copy. Thanks to Erin Marie Balser (Read her biography) for being nice enough to let me put jokes about seal-clubbing in her environmentalist journal.

Top 5% of the Web

For Tuesday, I have to write a 20-page paper about Magic & Witchcraft in Early Modern France. I’ve been attempting to get a jump on it all weekend, as 20-pages seems kind of scary and excessive. But it’s also my last real essay of the year, and I’ve been very much unwilling to get started. As it stands, I have just over five pages written, which is significantly less than twenty pages. I’m not really worried, though, and I feel it would be silly for me to GET worried. I am, after all, the guy who wrote a 4,000-word paper on Charles Darwin very very quickly. (Being able to go back and read threads like that is the reason I keep the forum around.)

Anyway, so I haven’t been doing work. But what I HAVE been doing is playing a lot of stupid web games. Here is a list of my current favourites!

• Nanaca Crash
  This is similar to the old Penguin Batting Game in that you have to hit something a great distance. Unlike that game, however, this one is Japanese, has catchy music and frequently makes absolutely no sense. Jesus Christ. The first time you play this, you’re like “What the fuck”. Then you play some more and you’re like “What. The. Fuck” (because, see, you’re saying it SLOWER). But you keep playing and soon you start giving the Japanese girls pet names and declare the one in the orange to be the cutest, because she totally is. My record is about 5,600. See if you can beat it!
• PsychoBabble
  The thing about this game is that it’s dirty. The object is pretty simple. You’re given a screen with a bunch of nouns, verbs, pronouns, adjectives, prefixes and suffixes and you have to arrange a few of them to make a sentence that best fits with that round’s theme. Everyone playing then votes on what they think is the best sentence — and, no, you can’t vote for yourself –, and the person with the most votes wins. What actually happens — especially in the NC-17 rooms, and who wouldn’t want to play in the NC-17 rooms? — is that everyone completely ignores the theme and tries to make the most disturbingly graphic or offensive sentence possible. I wasted three hours on this last night, crafting what I thought were absolutely literary references to pedophilia and down’s syndrome, all because I wanted to WIN.
• The ER Wheelchair Challenge
  This game is really a promotional tool: a glorified advertisement for the upcoming ER PC game. It’s also incredibly stupid and mind-numbingly repetitive. I think I like it because it reminds me of a lot of NES games. The object is to go into the ER waiting room, pick up a sick person, and SLAM HIM INTO THE WALL REPEATEDLY. All the while, Doctors Carter and Lewis tell you how much you suck. it’s also really fun to run over that one nurse or whatever that keeps wandering down the hall. Because, seriously, get back to work, you slacker.
• TextTwist
  I hate TextTwist. I hate TextTwist because every time I play I instantly lose all ability to remember ANY three-letter word. I can get the six-letter word fine, usually. It’s no big thing. But the three letters? No damn clue. And then I see them and I feel like an IDIOT. ERE? SIR? SEE? How do you miss those! This stupid game!
• Lucky Penny Video Poker
  The game itself? Kinda dull. It’s like a slot machine crossed with the simplest elements of 5-card poker, fun only because you can double your winnings by flipping a virtual coin, which I find really funny for some reason. The thing that makes playing this worthwhile is the people who inhabit the chatroom. You wouldn’t think people spending hours a day on fake internet gambling sites would be so damn talkative, but these people are. They greet you when you come in! They say goodbye when you leave! They welcome you back, even when you haven’t played for six or seven hours. And not only do they say ‘hey’ or ‘wb’ or whatever the internet parlance is, they often give you a virtual HUG, just like that! And when you win? It’s a hug and a ‘gj’! Which means ‘good job!. And when you lose a lot of money? It’s yet another HUG and a ‘blnt’ which I think means “Better Luck Next Time!” It’s like a big virtual family, and I’m the newest member!

And that’s just the ones I’ve been playing RECENTLY. And it doesn’t count offline games like Mario Kart: Double Dash which Bryan keeps making me play for hours and hours and hours.

That ER thing

The thing about Luka and Abby dating was that it never made ANY sense. They’re like complete opposites, what with his family being dead and sane and her family being alive and crazy. In fact, I have trouble seeing Luka date anybody, because he always comes off like he’s their cool dad, rather than their boyfriend. And the sex scenes get really awkward.

I’ve stopped doing my usual TV Reviews on the forums, partly because damn near everything is in reruns right now and partly because I just got bored with it. I’m sure I’ll become interested again someday! I should note, for the record, that tonight’s episode of Arrested Development was absolutely brilliant, with “What about CHAUCER?” being the stand-out line!

Summer Plans

Oh boy, summer! Are you excited? I am excited! I think this will be my first drama-free, injury-free summer in quite a number of years. I may, of course, be speaking to soon on that one. I suppose one of my friends could go crazy and a surgeon could botch what is supposed to be a simple operation, but what are the odds of both those things happening AGAIN?

Here are some summer plans I made up just now! I will give them to you in easily-digestable list form. Those just skimming this update — as opposed to reading it — will see that there is a list here, stop, and check it out. Then, they will continue skimming, holding onto the hope that there will be naked chicks in this update.

• Update-a-day in… June? The past two year’s I’ve done it in May, and my traffic always SKYROCKETS as random people (like some girl named ‘Chel!) just show up out of nowhere! But this May I think I will be busy and unable to do it. So I’m moving the whole thing over to June, where I will once again write a whole bunch of updates about nothing (like these, last year!), just to fill space.
• Come up with a better name for my month of updates. “Update-a-day in June!” lacks the charm of “Update-a-day in May!”
• Continue my ongoing quest to get people to refer to the so-called ‘down escalators’ in malls as ‘de-escalators’. It just makes more sense!
• Stop every mugging that happens within a 30 foot radius of me at any given time, even if it means I have to run.
• Buy more shirts with lots of buttons.
• Continue buying DVDs not to watch them, but rather because owning them is hilariously ironic.
• See Batman Begins and post a gushy fanboy review.
• Get around to telling people about my favourite ER moment. Probably around August.
• Inadvertantly hit the horn of my car while drumming on the steering wheel (this always happens).
• Get someone to draw my Dr. Science webcomic. The idea has become multi-facetted!
• Buy those Marvel action figures that each come with a piece of a much larger Galactus action figure. Once the Galactus action figure is constructed, display it prominently in my room as some sort of awesome ode to nerdiness. It will also double as girl-repellent.
• Be on the lookout for assassination attempts.
• Always keep in mind the advice my grandfather gave me, right before that time he killed a man with jelly beans, “Four strands of rope…”

That is probably a good start.

Neither of those things

Okay, okay. The ER moment goes like this. Kovac and Abby are fighting for some reason. I can’t remember why, so I’m just going to assume it was because she made fun of his murdered wife and children. That bitch. Anyway, they’re fighting and walking around Chicago. Fighting and walking. Walking and fighting. Fight Fight. Walk Walk. It goes on forever! And then they finally make it to the steps of the train platform that’s right outside the hospital, and she’s done talking because, seriously, I don’t remember. She’s done talking so she’s walked down the steps and he’s standing at the top. She’s all “Whatever, Luka!” And he just fires back with “You’re not that pretty; you’re not that special.” And FUCK, man, what a good line that is. How often do you get to see people be justifiably mean on television? I loved that line. You’re not that pretty! You’re not that special! I’ve been waiting YEARS for the chance to say it to ANYONE but whenever I get a chance, I freeze up.

But, seriously, if you and I have ever had a heated exchange, I’ve probably been thinking it. Even if it isn’t true! Even if you ARE pretty and special, I’ve probably wanted to tell you that you aren’t. It’s one of those things that I think would hurt anybody you said it to, because who among us doesn’t want to be both pretty and special? I know I do.

This update, though? Neither pretty nor special. Shelburne pictures on Tuesday Night. More stories about old men dying or guys who are unhappy with their love lives next weekend. Watch close!

Pretty Special,
Matt