TBT #54: Do You Think It Matters

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? After the whole surgery thing, I sort of descended into a bizarre crevasse of emotion that wasn’t really close to depression but wasn’t really anywhere near happiness, either. It was somewhere in the middle — in the shapeless, formless void of feeling that makes up all days that are completely forgettable — to the point where the only characters speaking in my head are one guy who asks another if he’s “doing okay.” And the second guy sort of pauses for a bit before saying “Been better.” And, then, thinking about this for a second, he adds quickly: “Been worse.”

Been better. Been worse.

So mostly? Kind of bored. But that’s okay. I’m still a young guy. I’d rather be bored when I’m 21 than bored when I’m 81. You don’t feel so bad about wasting away when there’s so much left to waste.

This sort of maudlin, trite, forced-perspective sadness is The Best Thing for August 15, 2005.

My future superstardom

So, like, I made serious strides this summer towards becoming the respected and well-regarded writer I know I can be. It’s not so much that I have particular desire for the limelight, but rather that I think it would be really great to hang out with Canada’s Governor General and sail around the world and whatnot. For those of you that don’t know, the Governor General is our head of state whenever the Queen is not in the country. He or she is the executive power of Canada and the Commander in Chief of our armed forces. But mostly he or she just hangs out with famous Canadian artists and goes on trips. And I want to be one of those famous Canadian artists!

This scenario holds even more appeal now that our new governor general is actually pretty damned attractive. Seriously, have you seen her? She’s hot! I would DO her. “Diplomatically”! It would be a “goodwill tour”! She would “meet with my ambassador”. We’d “discuss globalization.” She’d “Give me a tour of Rideau Hall!” We would “fuck like crazy.”

That’s it. That’s my entire motivation. That’s why I write.

In any case, becoming a successful writer is more difficult than I anticipated, largely because every so-called Canadian literary magazine that might be interested in reading some of my work has… gone out of business. Or is going out of business. Or is on hiatus, which will surely lead to them going out of business. So my options are limited. I have actually sent off three submissions. One has been returned marked “Return to Sender” which, I think, means the place went out of business. Or maybe they just could tell based on my terrible penmanship on the envelope that I was a no-talent hack with an ego the size of the Washington Monument and didn’t even bother opening it.

But it’s okay. This dead-end may seem like a bad thing, but I can easily see it in a more positive light. Because, hell, yes this might mean I’ll never get to use my collection of suave pick-up lines on the governor general (”So have you found what you’re looking for? Out here, on this boat full of famed Canadian artists and writers?”) but it also means that I’ll never have to deal with any criticism! Nobody will ever be able to tell me I suck! So I’ll never find out. I can keep living this life where I wake up in the morning, stand in front of the mirror, splash some water on my face, look myself straight in the eyes and say, proudly, “You’re a god damned genius!”

A god damned genius.

Super Mega Pixels

So I bought a new digital camera. This is my third. My first digital camera was a cheapy webcam that had the supposed ability to work as a stand-alone digital camera. It mostly took blurry pictures of random colours but I liked it because once I dropped it down four flights of stairs and it still worked afterwards. I still think that’s really impressive, even if no one else does. In any case, that camera stopped working for some strange reason so I bought another camera that was… pretty much the same. It still mostly took blurry pictures of random colours, but this one actually had an LCD screen on the back so you could hold the camera up, point it at your subject, see that it was very well framed, and then snap your blurry picture of random colours. It was a big step up.

But that stopped working this summer too. And I decided to stop with the fucking crappy cameras already. I bought a 4MP Sony Cybershot camera, which is roughly a million times better than the crap I was using before. Now when pictures are blurry, I won’t be able to blame the camera! I’ll have to blame my ineptitude! Or my drunkenness! Or my drunken ineptitude! It could be any combination of the two!

It has a million features that I will never use, like something called “ISO Adjustment.” And “White Balance.” And “Red-Eye Reduction.” Who knows what all these crazy space-age photo terms mean! They might as well be speaking Martian. But it was reasonably inexpensive and has a movie mode with sound (and no time-limits)! So I can make movies! I have ideas already! It is about a man trying to find his keys. It will probably be the best movie I have seen since that one about college kids doing shots in a room and then there was a guy reminiscing about a girl (I forget what that was called).

Unfortunately I am living in a crevasse or whatever and I have very little to take pictures of. But here are some pictures I took anyway!

• Here is a dog! It is not my dog. My dog is hard to get on camera. he is always running the hell around and trying to chew off your hand and then run away with it and go swimming. He is a weird dog. This is his on-again off-again friend Quinn, who is a girl dog who lives a few cottages down from ours. She is a sad and lonely dog because her best friend died earlier this summer. So she tried to make friends with my dog, Griffin, but Griffin doesn’t really go for her quiet, older brand of friendship and instead opts to try to jump over here and eat her head. She looks happy in this picture, though!
• Here is a picture of our lake. I mean ‘our lake’ in the sense that our cottage is on the lake. Not in the sense that we own the whole lank. We are not that wealthy! Can you imagine? Owning a lake. The money that would take! Anyway, it is kind of pretty as you can see and also featured a red chair that I supervised the painting of! I got the paint! And gave directions. It was a whole team effort thing. And the team should be very proud.
• Here are some boats. I have very little to say about these. They are boats. The one on the left is a nice boat. The one on the right is not-so-nice. I do not drive either of them because I never got around to getting a boating license when I was younger and now I am a young urban professional who isn’t able to spend much time “up north” because of my commitment to my own success and the almighty dollar.
• Here is a sort of blurry shot of my cottage. I think I was trying something with the focus settings in this picture. It did not work. But you can clearly see my cottage, I bet! It’s the big building with the doors and windows. Mom and Dad designed and built it — well, they HIRED other people to build it — like seven or eight years ago and now it is a mighty summer home in the heartland of Ontario. If you have any questions, just ask!
• Hey, it’s my actual dog! Last we saw on this site, he was very tiny and kind of crazy. Now he is very big — weighing in at a titanic 75 lbs — and still kind of crazy. Most of the other pictures I have of him feature him gnawing on a giant bone; it’s kind of disgusting! But he looks cute in this one so I posted it. Don’t fucking call me, though! That number is for emergencies only.

Summer Movie Showdown

Wow, it’s been kind of a sorry year for movies, hasn’t it? There’s not even the usual bunch of stupid-but-sure-I’ll-see-em summer blockbusters to keep me occupied. If I were to make a list of 2005’s best movies right now it would be made up of, like, Crash, The Ballad of Jack and Rose, Batman, Primer, Sin City and… I don’t know. I am probably forgetting something. Remind me of good movies!

In any case, here are very short reviews of all the movies I remember seeing this summer!

Star Wars: Episode III: YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE.

Batman Begins: Thoroughly great!

Fantastic Four: Superheroes, wacky montages AND new rock music? SIGN ME UP.

War of the Worlds: Hey, does anyone like Tim Robbins anymore? Anyone? I fucking hate that guy. Oh look at me I am in a cabin and crazy! Tom Cruise killed me off screen!

Wedding Crashers: That was a pretty funny movie! Oh, wait, it is not over. Oh. There are thirty minutes left. Oh, haha, a cameo. You’re such a great comedian, Ferrell. I love that joke you do where you yell really loud. That one’s great. This was great because it sort of reminded me of Swingers but also disappointing because it… wasn’t Swingers.

Bad News Bears: Wait, why am I seeing Bad News Bears?

Must Love Dogs: Lloyd Dobbler, you put on weight! And you… build boats. At least you’re not buying, selling or processing anything bought, sold or processed.

Other movies I forgot: You must have really sucked!

Stop and Go

So the summer’s almost over which means I better get to thinking about something profound to say. I’ve been working on it for a few weeks now, but I still haven’t finalized it! It will be a single profound statement, summing up your feelings. “Wow,” you will remark, “it is like he lives inside my head!” But I don’t. I don’t live inside your head. There is no room in there! But it will be like I did, when you hear this statement that is so profound.

But I’m not going to say it now. I’m busy now. I’ve got a movie to make. And a Governor General to fuck.

Statefully,
Matt