You’re embarassing me; you’re embrassing you

Wow! June 1st! You know, I thought today was Earth Day but apparently it’s not. Which is too bad because June 1st would be a really good Earth Day, wouldn’t it? It would be easier to remember than whenever the hell Earth Day really is! I would have planted a tree! Maybe. I’m probably ignorant in assuming that it’s really easy to plant a tree. I’d just drop a seed on the ground, kick some dirt on it, spray that dirt with a hose and then walk away. Is there more to it? I can’t see how there could possibly be more to it. I read about people who work as tree-planters for the summer and all I can think is “damn, that must be easy.”

Because, really: seed, dirt, water — tree!

Aw man. Pretend that COMING SOON is not there. It’s not COMING SOON. It is NOW. But thanks to Caroline for the graphic. And thanks to Mike Weir for the name “Update Monsoon in June.” It was Mike’s birthday a month ago and I sent him an e-mail but I never checked to see if I sent it to his actual e-mail address so, really, he may not have gotten it. It was a pretty good e-mail though so I hope he did. It had a lot of jokes about mail!

I have decided that today will be EXPERIMENTAL. I have often dismissed people who use their blogs/livejournals/website-things as vanity projects. All they do is write about themselves and their day-to-day living. How disgusting! Why can’t they write pretentious short fiction like I do? It’s easy! But regardless of that, today I am going to try some of this vanity blogging. Today I will see how the other side lives. Today I will write about today.

Today I woke up and then had a shower and then made myself not one but TWO sandwiches for lunch and then I promptly left the house to go to work. But then when I was drive drive driving to work I realized I forgot my sandwiches and I didn’t have time to go back so I BANGED the steering wheel in frustration! Then that “Mr.Brightside” song came on the radio and I swear I hate that song but, well, it’s good, isn’t it? I really like it when it comes on the radio. I like to sing it. But c’mon, “Open up my eagle eyes?” What does that even MEAN? The guy does not have EAGLE EYES unless he’s been involved in some sort of gene-splicing experiment! Which is dubious.

What was I saying. Oh! Yes! Forgot my sandwich! My two sandwiches! In conclusion, I went out at lunch and had a hamburger!

And when I drove home it was so hot that I couldn’t touch my steering wheel! It was burning me! I tried to steer with my knees, a feat so challenging I actually veered off the road and crashed into a parked tanker truck. A tanker truck filled with explosive fuels and chemicals! I died! I am writing this post from beyond the grave.

Ha ha, just kidding. I didn’t die! I made it home safely. You can wipe the sweat off your foreheads now! Also, it would be impossible for me to write a post from beyond the grave. There is no afterlife.

Hey, this is pretty good. I could see myself doing this EVERY DAY! My life sounds pretty interesting when it’s detailed with faux-enthusiasm and way too many exclamation marks. A successful first post! Stay tuned for tomorrow when I will update with another harrowing story of TERROR!

Matt