TBT #76: Elect Someone

It is the election in Canada today! Which I am using as a convenient excuse for writing this late. There is no way I could have used “It is the election in Canada today!” as a lead if I had written this yesterday. It would have been a lie! People would be first confused and then angry. And while I tend to take great delight in confusing my readership, making them angry is not a desirable thing. Because those angry people would likely not even bother to register their anger with me. They would just stop visiting my site and instead devote all of their internet time to hilarious videos featuring people getting hit in the testicles or forced allusions to the videogames we played as kids.

So I’m going to play this as safe as I can. I have a marked history of political posts, all of which end with a bunch of people telling me that either I am wrong or that I need to relax. So with this particular post I am going to skip any sort of partisanship and instead just approach all the issues with a graceful levity that all should find hilarious.

It will be the Best Thing for Election Day, 2006. And it was UPDATED.

On Canadian Politics

Canadian Politics are awesome. And they are awesome for literally dozens of reasons, from the fact that our parliament meetings ALWAYS involve someone getting shouted at, to the annual Press Gallery dinner where the top political heads of this country get together, drink and tell jokes in front of a national viewing audience. It’s all very whimsical and knowingly ridiculous, even at its tensest. The Liberal Party, which has governed this country for approximately 90 per cent of its existence, reacted to being voted out of government by having a nice little wine-and-chesse party and laughing about eventualities. After taking a beating over what was seen as sacrificing his party’s principles for a Liberal hand-out, NDP leader Jack Layton got up in front of a crowd of people at the aforementioned press gallery dinner and played a nice little song on his guitar about that very issue, drawing laughs. Conservative leader — and likely the next Prime Minister — Stephen Harper’s biggest headlines this summer came when he dressed up like a gay cowboy. This, after years and years of talk about whether he had a hidden agenda of social conservatism: dressing up like a gay cowboy. (He claimed it was unintentional, but I don’t believe him.)

It’s a lot like those old Superman serials from the 40s and 50s. When, after a harrowing adventure saving the world from Communists or Hitler or the beatniks, the hero would just turn to the camera and then wink and laugh. Canadian Politics, despite the rancor, rage and resentment they dredge up again and again, can’t get away from the fact that, at the end of the day, they are Canadian Politics. Sure, we’re an influential nation: not only are we a member of the G8, but we have one of the best economies in the G8. In recent years we have become a trailblazer as far as certain social issues, particularly gay marriage, marijuana usage and, most recently, swinging are concerned.

But we’re still a small nation. And while certain issues do matter on the world stage, the vast majority of the things we quibble about… don’t.

All of this is underpinned by two very simple facts about Canadians. Two facts that could be seen as stereotypical, but seem to hold true. Two facts that seem all too often ignored by Canadians themselves. Two facts that have been built up way too much at this point. In any case, they are:

1. Canadians agree on pretty much everything.
2. Canadians are very nice.

The latter is best emphasized by the Bloc Quebecois. You know, most countries, when they recognize that they have a strong separatist element operating with their borders — a separatist element that has, at times, gone as far as terrorism resulting in the death of a government official — would maybe think about throwing around words like treason. But in Canada that situation lead instead to the creation of a Federal Political party devoted to that separatist cause. And I guess I need to suffix that with a statement clarifying that I do not believe there is any link between the terrorist FLQ and the Federal Bloc Quebecois! They just believed the same things.

The former is the one people tend to overlook. There has never been a more heated election campaign, save for perhaps the 93 Kim Campbell versus Jean Chretien fight in which Campbell’s team decided the best way to win the hearts and minds of Canadians was to make fun of Jean’s facial deformity related to childhood polio. This, thanks to the aforementioned Canadians are nice clause, did not go over well.

This election has seen the return of negative campaigning to Canada. Not to the point where Prime Minister Paul Martin is running commercials questioning the reality of Stephen Harper’s hair or anything. (Though he could — that’s some fucked up hair. He needs some bounce.) But we’ve still seen a bizarre series of what could be called attack ads, save for the fact that, really, they seem like they were scripted by a bunch of illiterates unsure of what exactly the political climate of Canada is like. The Liberal ads, in particular, which exist as little more than a bunch of short phrases read over the fact of Stephen Harper, seem like they were conceived entirely for people who really like the kind of advice Dr. Phil dispenses. Which is, you know, like regular advice, except slowed down a lot and repeated seventy times until the person getting the advice starts to cry.

In any case, any attempt to get really negative was shot down because Canadians Are Nice.

And Canadians agree on (almost) everything. Our supposed right-wing party supports the following: abortion, civil unions, universal healthcare and at least some level of subsidized healthcare. And this party is slightly out-of-step with the Canadian majority, as at no point has this party ever polled more than 50%. The rest of Canada’s parties? Even more left-wing. From an objective perspective, we all agree on EVERYTHING.

So all that said, here is what the 2006 election has come down to:

• Some stuff about guns
• Some stuff about childcare
• Whether people are corrupt or not.
• Whether Paul Martin’s inability to drive a horse-drawn sleigh is indicative of his inability to lead this country.

I think that last one, in particular, will cinch it for the conservatives.

My predictions:

Conservatives: 114
Liberals: 108
NDP: 29
Bloc Quebecois: 56
Independent: 1
Green: 0 — what kind of green party doesn’t use RECYCLABLE signs?

Total: 308!

I’ll update again when all of this is over.

The Results

Conservative: 124
Liberal: 103
NDP: 29
Bloc: 51
Ind: 1

Total: 308

Well, it didn’t shape up as closely as I thought it would. I would have been DAMN close if not for the Conservatives making the gains they did in Quebec. Honestly, I had heard that they were picking up support there, but I did not think they would do as well as they did. Essentially, 1 in 4 people in Quebec voted for the Conservative party. That’s the one element of this election that no one predicted when it was called back in November. Absolutely stunning.

I totally nailed the NDP number, though. I’m all kinds of magic.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Say it a few times to get used to the idea. Or don’t. The way these numbers look, this government is going to be fragile. Even if the NDP decides to prop up the Conservatives — which would be WEIRD — adding the BQ and Liberal seats gives 154. Which means that Canada once again has a Chuck Cadman figure — acting as the one independent with the power to bring down the government if he chooses — and it’s radio “shock jock” André Arthur.

Matt