TBT #81: A Whole Bunch of Nothing

In the March 2006 issue of Premiere magazine, Samuel L. Jackson discusses his highly anticipated summer release Snakes on a Plane:

“They had already changed the title [from 'Snakes on a Plane' to 'Pacific Air Flight 121'] when I got to Canada to start shooting. I let it go for a while. Then one day all the producers were standing there, and I’m saying “So are you seriously going to leave the name like this?” And they’re going, “Yeah we don’t want to give too much away to the audience.” I’m like “Yeah, you do. That’s the way you get them in here. Nobody wants to see Pacific Air Flight 121. People want to see Snakes on a Plane.” When I picked up the script and I saw the title, I didn’t even read it and I said “I want to do it.” You know, before I opened the first page, Snakes on a Plane. If this is what I think it is, I want to be in this. I want to be on a plane full of poisonous snakes. And I want to see other people on a plane full of poisonous snakes. You say Snakes on a Plane, people who don’t like snakes are intrigued. The people who don’t like to fly are intrigued. The people who don’t like both are terrified now. People who just like seeing mayhem are ready for that. They want to see, you know, people enclosed in a big tin tube getting attacked by poisonous snakes. Come on! What could be more exciting than that, you know? What do you do? What do you do until the plane lands? Come on, Snakes on a Plane, that’s the title.” (emphasis added)

You know, reading this I felt really defeated. Not only is this better than anything I could ever write this week, it’s also indicative of the fact that Samuel L. Jackson has a perfect understanding of our contemporary culture. The man just gets it. In fifty years people will quote portions of that paragraph when discussing us, and what we left the world. Come on, man, Snakes on a Plane.

So, really, if you read anything this week, just read the above. It is all you need. Anything below is just a waste of your time!

Late (Under some dirty words on a dirty wall, eating take-out by myself…)

I have very few words this week. I think I used up most of them writing my controversial guest update on Pearle’s site last week. All those philosophical references required a ton of research and I am still reeling from it. But that’s okay. The great thing about having a web site is that when you DO have nothing to say, you can just write about having nothing to say. In that sense I will always have something to say. Unless I somehow run out of things to say about having nothing to say. In which case I think the universe will implode.

But I’m not altogether distraught over my own lack of ideas. Because, really, it’s been a while since I just did a random thoughts update. In fact, it’s been about three months since my last random thoughts update, which I think means I am long overdue for another one. A lot has happened since that last update. So much, in fact, that I think the only way to express them is in the form of some sort of quiz I stole from a livejournal. These are the best way to get to know people!

Quiz

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.

See? Look at this question! It will reveal a lot about me and the way I live my life. I wish I had known about this question beforehand. I would have prepared and had like Faulkner or Kerouac beside me. That would make you think I was really introspective and literary and awesome. Instead the book nearest to me is, in fact, that Premiere magazine I mentioned in the opening. Some might argue that magazines are not technically books but to them I say: read more magazines. They’re like shiny books!

“We have lots of stuff in our March issue for the Oscar maniac in you: a four-page pullout ballot; an astute dialogue with reporter Anne Thompson and critic Glenn Kenny about which films and actors will win — and which should win; a portfolio on cover girl Lindsay Lohan posing as past Oscar winners; and our take on “Oscar’s Best and Worst Movies Ever.”

One of the above was actually the reason I bought the magazine. See if you can guess which one it was!

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch?

My bookshelf. There are a thousand things on it! Do you need a whole list? Mostly I can touch a stick of deodorant. It’s a new scent by Old Spice! It is called “After Hours.” I wear it when I know things will get steamy.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

I am watching Cheers right now on the Comedy Network. Here are some things happening in this episode: Cliff has a conspiracy theory. Norm is trying to get laid. Ted Danson is smiling a lot and keeps touching his hair. Shelley Long is wearing a sweater.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:

I am trying so hard to make the answer to this question something that will not bore both me and anyone who reads this to death. But it seems nearly impossible. So in lieu of doing this stupid game (It is 5:41 in case you are curious) I am going to substitute this question with “Please tell me an idea you have for a comic strip.”

I am glad you asked. I just thought of an idea for a comic strip. If any one of you out there is an artist, please draw this for me. It’s very hilarious.

[Okay there are like, two guys, hanging out somewhere. It does not really matter where. Let's say a roller rink. Or in the little booth of a crane. Is that what you call those things? Where the crane operator sits? The booth? Are there two seats in there? Maybe just use the roller rink idea.]

Panel 1

Man #1: Man I sure feel like I could dirige right now.

Man #2: (incredulously — if you can not draw an incredulous expression just draw ‘confused’) What?

Panel 2

Man #1: I feel very dirigible right now.

Man #2: That is… umm…

Panel 3

Man #1: What?

Man #2: You do not know what word means.

END

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

Haha, you see, because ‘dirigible’ sort of sounds like something you might feel but in reality it means some sort of warship. And also a feeling, sort of. But nobody uses that definition any more that I know of!

It’s got layers.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Cheers, the radio in the kitchen, Bryan discussing what his female friends would look like naked.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I have not been outside yet today. I was productive, though. I shaved and then I spent several hours writing my resumé. I apparently lost my old resumé when I switched computers so I had to start from scratch. I have to say, it all makes me look very impressive. Did you know I have STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS? Did you know I am DYNAMIC? Did you know I am a STRONG AND CREATIVE WRITER with MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE? You would if you read my resumé!

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Premiere Magazine

9. What are you wearing?
Okay, I’m not answering you either, question. Instead I will tell you that I ironed yesterday. Hand to God, I ironed. I got out the ironing board and the iron and I pressed the hell out of some of my shirts. Afterwards I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to collapse the ironing board but could not do it. So I put it in the laundry room and then sneaked away. Everything up until that part was awesome, though. There was steam and searing heat and everything! I could have gotten serious burns and then died. My heart was pounding the whole time.

10. Did you dream last night?
I do not think so, last night. The honest truth is that I have felt a bit uncomfortable sleeping here since I got back from B.C. Reasons for this are numerous. Likely there are five or six reasons, but there could be more. Each reason has fur, ears and a tail. Each reason is a mouse. Our apartment has mice, and not the lovable kind that solve mysteries as a team of Rescue Rangers. No, our mice are just kind of mean-spirited and standoffish. I worry about them every night. Not because I am afraid of mice, really, but because I do not like that they are so unpredictable. I do not want the mice to be watching me sleep, perhaps confusing me for a friend of theirs. That could be disastrous.

So every night now I bang my foot against the wall a couple of times before I go to sleep and then lay there, listening for tiny footsteps.

11. When did you last laugh?
Well it certainly was not just now at this rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. I’m totally above such things. I only laugh at respectable things like satirical jokes about modern art.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A framed picture of a bunch of my friends cranberry picking. I used some photoshop techniques to make it resemble the lomography of Soviet Russia. When everyone used crappy cameras with really bright centre-flashes. And a poster my parents got me in Russia. It is of a Russian man refusing a glass of wine because he does not need it. My room has a Soviet Russia theme.

13. Seen anything weird lately?

Canadian Idol Host Ben Mulroney.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It’s almost regrettable at this point.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Pearle and I went to see Freedomland at the theatre across from her apartment. It was pretty bad, all things considered. Using the new Samuel L. Jackson film-naming convention, it should have been called “Crazy Woman in a Black Neighbourhood.”

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
The ability to get up at 1 p.m. every day and not have to worry about anything. I’d just write and wander around and travel and fall in love. It would be a lot like my life now except there wouldn’t be an end coming.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know.
Who are you? I don’t think you know me at all. I could say I have brown hair and that would be enough. But that would be boring so let’s just say that I am actually kind of a fan of the new NBC show “Deal or No Deal” hosted by a nearly hairless Howie Mandel. He’ll always be the dad from Bobby’s World to me.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I think things like curing all disease and world peace are problematic enough that they probably wouldn’t be good things overall. So instead I’d just like to make it so that not as many old people feel so beaten by life. Same goes for young people too, actually.

19. Do you like to dance?
I’m pioneering a new style of dance which essentially involves skipping around in a circle. It has all the hallmarks of a good dance: everyone can do it, it’s fun, it’s exercise and it involves moving a circle. So check it: by the end of the year all your nightclubs will just be people skipping about in a circle. It’s going to catch on HUGE.

20. George Bush:
An expressway! An aircraft carrier! A library! The name of TWO U.S. Presidents!

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Parker, after Spider-Man. Shut-up. I like it.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Johnny Five.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
I’ve never even BEEN abroad. I think I have to do that first. But secretly I worry about such things because as I understand it there are a lot of different languages being spoken in the world. And I only speak one of them. Well, I speak two of them — one badly — and I think I can still do that language all the girls used to do in grade school. The one that just took normal English and made it sound all short and twangy and seemed to replace every letter with a ‘b’. Did that have a name?

In any case, I’d like to live in at least 10 different places in my life, so one or two of those could be abroad. That would be cool. I’d start with a primarily English-speaking place, I suppose, and work my way up.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
“Sup dude we have that sweet X-Men arcade game waiting for you. And, yes, comics are released up here too. Did you read Infinite Crisis #5? Earth-2 Superman is an idiot.”

And that’s finally over. I apologize for the lack of interest this week. I realize this is edition #81 and we only have 19 more of these to go, after this, so I’ll make sure the rest of them are AWESOME.

Photojournal on March 16 — don’t forget, camera-owners!

Matt