TBT #83: East Coast Photojournal

International Photojournal Day UPDATES

The following people have been totally awesome and posted Photojournals in honour of this day that I made up:

• Caroline Gaston — friends only because she’s exclusive like that.
• Brad Young — ditto!
• Jill — who I don’t know but would probably sing to!
• Matt Elliott — who cannot believe just how big tuna are!

That’s it so far but it is possibly better than expected! Keep updating, you suckers, and comment here if you did it and are unknown to me.

My own photojournal follows if you click the link below!

This makes me sad. I recognized that my life was not the most thrilling or action-packed in the world, but I was convinced that a day like International Photojournal Day would certainly pack a punch! I’m not one to dabble in the supernatural, but I think it’s fair to say that I was utterly convinced that International Photojournal Day was not just a crazy idea I had once but rather a cosmic force so endless and eternal that it would bless us all with the light of a (metaphorically) earth-shattering day. I was so shocked this morning when I looked outside and did not see God’s Holy Host milling about in front of my house, bumping into each other and grumbling about their goddamn lack of free will. I expected to dance out the door this morning, my feet light like Crisco Lite, my muscles pumping with the energy of an energy drink, my smile as bright as ultrabrite headlights. I thought I might even sing.

But I did not sing. I grumbled out of bed before noon feeling like I had been hit with several tranquilizer darts. It felt like a hangover but I never even got to drink. I felt cheated and abused and maybe a little like I had amnesia.¹ So I’m sick and I’ve been sick all week. I don’t know why it happened but apparently it’s going around. Since I am just so much the social butterfly these days I am bound to get any sickness that is ‘going around’.² It is my curse.

My Photojournal, then, is not an awesome achievement. It does not even feature sea animals, as the last one did. The best it has going for it is a drawing of some pets. I only hope that I can salvage this sorry crop of photos with some witty commentary and some footnotes, which I enjoy because I imagine they make the article really really annoying to read.

March 16, 2006 Photojournal

On this day I had a big list of things to do. This is, of course, all relative, because most of my days consist of sitting around reading random bits of paper I find. You probably think that’s hyperbole if you don’t know me. But, trust me, I discovered the secret to a de-stressed fourth year of university and, if you rub me the right way, I will share it with you.³ In any case, I had the following things to do on this day, the day of Photojournal: get my grad photos taken, study for an Anthropology quiz, write an Anthropology quiz. And, friends, if you read on, you’ll find I accomplished all those exciting tasks and MORE.

1 p.m.

I know I said I woke up before noon, but I have no photographic proof. I thought it would be a good idea to wake up around 10 and thus give myself a few minutes to study for Anthropology in between my morning routine of lounging about and desperately trying to find reasons not to get out of bed. Unfortunately, on this morning my lounging and reasoning was so fierce that there was just no room for anthropology. I left at 1, 30 minutes before my appointment, and saw these kids playing hockey on my street. My first thought was very angry: those kids should be in SCHOOL. Then I realized I was about to skip my American Revolution class and felt ashamed of my anger. It’s probably March Break or something for them anyway.

2 p.m.

I got my grad photos taken at a studio downtown. I understand most everyone else had them done at the university itself, but I like to demand a higher echelon of quality when it comes to my promotional image. I also forgot to sign up for the in-school photo sessions. So things really worked out for me there. Calnen Photography was pretty weird, as nearly everything in the gallery was made of wood. I know that generally lots of things are made of wood but it was really evident in there. All I could think was wood wood wood wood when I walked in. It was like sixth grade health class all over again.

I usually hate getting my photo taken because it might help the police track me down if I ever were to pull a bank heist, but this Calnen guy was pretty good. He was all “Stop pursing your lips so much” and I was like “I do not know what else to do with them!”⁴ but then he talked about the ward room and beer and I loosened up and posed in a hat.⁵

3 p.m.

So after the photos I really should have studied Anthropology. Let me tell you about this Anthropology class: I need another credit to graduate. I decided to be extremely lame and take something ridiculously easy. This is how I ended up in Intro to Anthropology. My university degree essentially hinges on a class where it took four powerpoint slides for the professor to explain the idea of slavery in North America.

So I tend not to worry about it too much. Like today, I didn’t worry! After my pictures, I decided to walk further downtown, because it was a pretty nice day and also I wanted some more outdoor shots. I fully expected to take a nice picture of the ocean but then I saw this sign by the Maritime museum and felt like it needed elaboration. Click the image to see it bigger. First off, none of these animals look at all happy to be at sea. That monkey is clutching the goddamn mast like it was his mother’s finger, that cat has apparently been stabbed in the eye and those two mice are fucking in the bow of the boat.⁶ Sending your pets off to sea is a really bad idea to begin with but if you NEED to do it at least do it smart.

4 p.m.

It is time for my quiz. Thankfully the professor waits until the end of class to do quizzes so I reviewed all the powerpoint presentations in that time. I also watched the girl in front of me browse facebook for a good solid hour. Apparently there are a lot of pictures of blonde girls kissing each other on facebook. I was not aware. Thankfully my quick-studying and seeing all those faux-lesbians prepared me well-enough for the quiz, and I was able to, I think, ace it. I was pretty sure I got the one about slavery right, anyway.

5 p.m.

This is a stupid picture. I wanted to pick up a new Dalhousie Gazette after the test, but the box was empty. So in my rage I took a picture of the empty box. I’m not sure exactly what that note taped to the front of the box says. I’d zoom in but it’s probably all like “Dear sucker: Hah, now you won’t have a paper to idly flip through once and then throw into the big pile of similar newspapers in your room. Sincerely, some jerks.”

6 - 7 p.m.

Here’s where things really went off the rails. I was SURE I took a picture at 6 p.m. It was a really nice picture of something outside the library. Some people, I think. I didn’t know them but, still, they were photogenic. But it was not on my camera when I got home. Thus I do not know what happened at 6 p.m.⁷ I did, however, eventually end up on the fourth floor of the library with Erin and Kristine, who were there to do work. I was there for no reason at all, and was actually kind of bored for a while. Thankfully Bryan reminded me of the HeroMachine Hero Generator. So I spent a good half-hour generating colourful muscle men. This is an extremely cool and heterosexual thing to do.

8 p.m.

Erin and I go to the gradhouse bar every Thursday because we are closer to alcoholics than all of our other friends. While there on this day we sat near the pool table and listened as a guy and a girl had their “first date”. It was really funny, particularly when he asked her what her favourite movie about dancing was.⁸ When the time for a picture came, I opted to take a Picture of a Pitcher because I thought it was a funny concept. It was less funny, however, in execution.

9 p.m.

I am fudging the time on this one because I totally lost track of time while engaged in a really good conversation with Christina’s mom. We swapped journalism stories like I imagine Steinbeck and Hemingway did, once, assuming they ever met and, you know, did not hate each other. When I left Erin and Christina’s it did not look at all like it was snowing but the camera caught and illuminated every flake. Kinda pretty. Also cold.

10 p.m.

When I came home Mike and Danielle were wearing crowns. They made them from pipe cleaners, in a fit of inspiration derived from that America’s Greatest Inventor show. Crowns like these will truly revolutionize the world of monarchs and royals. I bet you could jog in a crown like this. It’s that sturdy and versatile — not big and bulky like older models. Later Mike made a scepter, also from pipe cleaners. Danielle was trying to make a feather boa, but god bored, and instead stole Mike’s scepter. But I think their kingdom will be all right.

11 p.m.

We watched the new episode of The Office at 10:30, which was amazing and perhaps the best ever (100 kids for 100 friends!), and then I went back to my room, which is very messy. I thought about cleaning it, but weighed that option against not cleaning it. Not cleaning won out, and here it is.

12 a.m.

For my last shot, I thought I’d post an update of my plant. In short: it is clearly not a plant. I think this was not actually intended to be a real plant but instead was meant to have spring snakes inside, that would jump out at the person who opened the can, thus ‘pranking’ them. But it was defective so there are no spring snakes. Only dirt. I really do not want to think that I am a bad father, so I have decided instead to embrace outlandish reasoning. On the brightside, however, the Megamen have found a new plant to worship — a very tiny cactus — which is growing up to be big and strong, albeit at a very very slow pace.

Self-Portrait

Taking a picture of yourself is hard. I should have got someone else to do it. I took a few shots but all of them looked too myspace-attention-whore for me to post without embarrassment. But when I hit the “Enhance” button in iPhoto this picture of me turned all yellow-backgrounded which kind of made it look artistic and if there is one thing I appreciate it’s totally stumbling into something resembling art. It kind of looks like I am looking down on someone in some sort of box and being like “Sorry, buddy, I have to keep you in this box.” I do not regret at all that I am putting this person in a box. I am feeling rather smug about it, apparently. I hope the person is a jerk.

And that’s it for this Photojournal. Scroll down the front page to view my first Photojournal, the one with animals. It’s less full of excuses!

Matt

¹ Is it possible to feel like you have amnesia? I do. If you asked me what I did for the entire year of, say, 1997, I could not tell you a single thing. I could have been a secret agent and then had my mind wiped.

² The key to health is solitude, my friends. Solitude and magnet therapy. Look it up.

³ Hint: it involves not falling in with those jerks who’ll tell you you should write a thesis. And also very strategic picking of courses. And also the healing power of magnets.

⁴ Other things I could do with my lips: pucker, pout. You can only do things that start with p with your lips.

⁵Mom, I ALMOST put the cost of these on your VISA. But I didn’t. Please remember this when you decide which of your three sons you love and cherish most of all.

⁶ I think that’s supposed to be a giraffe in the stern but I could be wrong. This is also bullshit as giraffes are probably the worst possible animal to have working the rudder. They have HOOVES.

⁷ I could have been a secret agent during this hour.

⁸ Her: “I dunno, what do you like?” Him: “Oh, Footlose.” Her: “I don’t know that one.” Him: “Yes you do.” Her: “Oh, that popular one.” Him: “I also like Dirty Dancing.” Her: “Me too.”