TBT #87: Fitting the Profile

This is the introductory paragraph to the eighty-seventh edition of The Best Things. In this paragraph I will attempt to disguise the fact that this week’s update is both late and also just me filling out a lame quiz I found on livejournal. I will convince you that this update is, in fact, awesome when it is, in fact, not by using a number of devilish tricks. Many of them will involve wordplay. Some of you will see right through these tricks. Others will be taken by them and read what I have written with great gusto. Which category will you fall into? By asking this question I build suspense. By building suspense I have increased your interest. By using the word ‘gusto’ I have invoked memories of a simpler time, when men were men and children carried lists of things that their parents needed down to the grocery store and handed them to kindly old men wearing hats who were always willing to lend a hand and also use words like ‘gusto’. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that this paragraph is all about trickery and also, in a less obvious way, the historical significance of men with (and later without) hats.

The above was the opening paragraph to the eighty-seventh edition of The Best Things. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it.

Before I get to the meat of this update, I’d like to make a couple of perfunctory announcements in the form of a bulleted list.

• First, what does perfunctory mean?
• Second, I’d like to officially announce that beginning May 1, I will be once again doing Update-a-Day-in-May. I will be updating every day in May. This is a crazy idea and each year I do it I dislike it. But still. Every day in May I will write something in this space. Visit and leave comments so I don’t look stupid.
• Third, if you’d like to read some actually good blogging this week, I can’t recommend Kevin Smith’s “Me and My Shadow” series located here. I’ve been pretty down on Kevin Smith in recent years, because he is kind of terrible and annoying, but these posts — which deal with Jason Mewes’ long-standing heroin addiction — are well-written, funny, heartfelt and moving all at the same time. Someone should make a movie out of this story. Not Kevin Smith, though. He made Jersey Girl.
• Fourthly, I just found this comic again. It’s about November Rain. The song and music video. Not the actual rain that comes in November. Though the song and music video is sort of about that. And getting married. In any case, I really like it.

I’m not really sure what kind of questions are included in this quiz, but hopefully there is nothing too personal or explicit because, well, this is a family web site. A goddamn fucking family web site.

Name: Matthew “Matt” David Elliott
Birthday: November 1, 1983
Birthplace: Oakville, Ontario
Current Location: Halifax, NS
Eye Color: Blue. I like to think it is a piercingly deep blue like Gregory House but I think they only get like that when I get very angry. Which does not happen often because I am so delightfully cheerful.
Hair Color: Brown. It’s really long right now, too! (I hope there is not a ‘Hair Length’-type question below. If there is I just spoiled it.)
Height: 6′0″. Scientists have determined that this is the absolute perfect height for a man.
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right-handed. I think this means I am uncreative or something. I only date left-handed girls to make up for this.
Your Heritage: I have no heritage that I am aware of. I mean, aside from the I-think-he-was-talking-about-the-people-the-village sort of heritage that fits conveniently into minute-sized chunks on TV. My grandparents are very British on one side and very religious on the other. Which makes my upper lip stiff and my palms itchy.
The Shoes You Wore Today: I was only outside for a few minutes because it kept looking like it was going to rain. And also I have 48 Diet Cokes in my cupboard thanks to my Dad so I have very little reason to ever go outside again. When I did go outside, though, I wore my regular shoes. My brown shoes.
Your Weakness: Bullets! And searing heat! And his song and his words.
Your Fears: Shannon Elizabeth is my biggest fear because she is terrifying. My second biggest fear is when people cut vegetables really fast with a sharp knife because I think that’s just asking for trouble. My third biggest fear is death.
Your Perfect Pizza: It’s not so much about the pizza itself as it is about what I was doing before the pizza. Like the pizza I’d have after winning the Nobel Prize or working mission control, sending a manned mission to Mars — that’d be good pizza. It’d have a lot of meat on it.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: My goal this year was to get some photos framed and I did it. I totally did it. I’m done with goals. My next goal is to read a novel from cover-to-cover in the span of two days. And to do it totally just for me. Not for a class or a paper. And to do it outside while drinking things through straws.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: “Haha, etc.” I like to let people know I like their jokes. Because often I do. I also use exclamation marks a lot because otherwise people will think I am mean. “You’re a worthless whore!” is way more playful than “You’re a worthless whore.”
Thoughts First Waking Up: “Ahhhh oh no I am faaaalllling!” Then I gasp and blink and realize I am okay. Then later that day I discover mysterious bruises on my body.
Your Best Physical Feature: My angry eyes. Or maybe my hair but only because it is so thick and luxurious and I think I could sell it to a wig company if I wanted to. Other than that it is unruly and makes me look like a man without a home: a homeless man.
Your Bedtime: 4 a.m. 5 if I have a lot of TV to catch up on. 6 if I’m feeling particularly insane.
Your Most Missed Memory: That one where I was staring at a totally fresh start and nobody knew who I was yet. Though I don’t miss it that much these days.
Pepsi or Coke: I usually buy whichever diet brand is cheaper, though Coke Zero is my new favourite. I am fairly convinced it is made of magic.
McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds, I guess, but it is only awesome after a night of drinking. Wendy’s is awesome all the time, especially if you have an Entertainment Weekly with you. I realize that I may be the only person in the world to relish buying a new Entertainment Weekly and then reading it while eating at Wendy’s. I think that’s one of the reasons I do it.
Single or Group Dates: Very few of the people I know actually, you know, date. If they did I guess we could go on a group date. That would be sort of fun.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Is this really an issue? Do people have brands of iced tea? Does anyone drink iced tea enough that brand becomes an issue? It’s iced tea. Who cares.
Chocolate or Vanilla: I know this makes me boring but I think I’ll choose vanilla. Chocolate, I’ve decided, is for girls. I like it and all, especially when combined with peanut butter or in milkshake form, but it’s not anything I need or desire. It does not fill me with unbridled joy and passion. That’s for girls.
Cappuccino or Coffee: I always thought Cappuccino was just fancy coffee. Is there a big difference? I do not drink either unless it is an extraordinarily special occasion. By which I mean at times when I am awake before noon.
Do you Smoke: I sure do. I cannot get enough cigarettes. I just love to take drags on them and inhale the smokey goodness.
Do you Swear: Not as often in real life as I do on this site.
Do you Sing: Yes. My iPod has made me into such a jerk. I walk around singing under my breath all the time. And people hear me and then speed up so they can pass me because they think I am schizophrenic. I’m not, though. I’m just musical.
Do you Shower Daily: I have to, unless I’ve pulled an all-nighter or something. I sort of don’t consider the day to have started until I shower. Every moment before the shower is just an extension of yesterday.
Have you Been in Love: Yes.
Do you want to go to College: I was going to go to Mount Saint Vincent University but then I saw that they don’t want me to come. I was really excited, too. I love predominantly female schools situated on or near mounts.
Do you want to get Married: It’s down there on my big ‘to-do’ list. Way below things like ‘go to europe’, ‘become a vigilante’ and ‘become pals with Brian Eno.’ But still. It is there.
Do you believe in yourself: More than I believe in ghosts and goblins. I think I’m totally capable of making it to the end boss of this level.
Do you get Motion Sickness: The other day Erin and I were on some swings and I did the thing where you spin around until the chains get all tangled and then let go and you spin fast. And I felt totally fine. Erin felt sick though.
Do you think you are Attractive: I attract enough!
Are you a Health Freak: People keep telling me I am going to die at a young age but I don’t think so. Sure, I eat like crap and don’t exercise but I think the whole stress-free-living thing I do is way more beneficial than some people think. But only time will tell!
Do you get along with your Parents: My dad was here last week and we played video-lottery-terminals together. At first we lost money but then we won lots of money. The gambling addicts next to us were very impressed. And jealous, I think. They had no money while we had lots of it. And we did not even need it. My bourgeoisie family scoffs at the proletariat.
Do you like Thunderstorms: I really do. But I don’t really think anyone hates thunderstorms in the summer, do they? As long as you’re indoors, I mean.
Do you play an Instrument: I played the tenor saxophone for 3 years. It was very big and I was not good at it. I faked my way through my Grade 9 music exam and my teacher knew it. But her and I talked about our favourite movies for a while and we had a lot in common so she gave me a B. I never played the saxophone again.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Not as much as I should have drank!
In the past month have you Smoked: I don’t really smoke, guys. That was a joke.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yes. PCP and lots of it. I cannot get enough PCP. It’s just so much fun to say. And do.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: I have.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Bryan and I went to the mall last week to get videogames. And A&W. And a bathrobe. For him. Not for the both of us. It’s white and if you ask him he will show it to you.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Do they come in boxes? I don’t think they do. They’re like bag things.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: I don’t trust slimy food.
In the past month have you been on Stage: No but I sat in an audience and watched Copenhagen which was performed on a stage. It was about science.
In the past month have you been Dumped: No. I avoid getting dumped through a combination of quick wits and sheer last-ditch evasive maneuvering. Barrel rolls and triple dekes and such.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: In the shower maybe.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Hearts.
Ever been Drunk: A few times. But I learned my lesson!
Ever been called a Tease: Yes but I think they were kidding.
Ever been Beaten up: No but I’ve deserved it, I’m sure. Making stupid jokes was a good way to avoid that sort of thing in school.
Ever Shoplifted: I stole extra toys from the dentist’s office once but I still feel guilty about that. So no.
How do you want to Die: Shortly after my consciousness is transferred into an awesome robot body with jet boots and a laser cannon for an arm.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A robot with jet boots and a laser cannon for an arm.
What country would you most like to Visit: England.
In a Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Ummm, I don’t know. I don’t notice eye colour.
Favourite Hair Color: Dark.
Short or Long Hair: I will not date you if you have short hair. And I know that just devastated a lot of people, my saying that.
Height: As long as they’re shorter than me.
Weight: Enough to withstand a strong wind.
Best Clothing Style: I don’t know. This quiz was written by a girl!

Number of Drugs I have taken: I’ve taken percocet a bunch. It was always perscribed and always kind of awesome. I now feel like I understand Matthew Perry’s problems.
Number of CDs I own: Thousands! All of them burned! All of them mislabeled! Why do I do this to myself!
Number of Piercings: Just my blue eyes.
Number of Tattoos: I have a fire-breathing dragon across my back. It’s standing in front of the Canadian flag, to show my patriotism. Underneath is the Chinese word for “Morning.”
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Thousands. All of them burned. All of them mislabeled. Why do I do this to myself.

Whoops, ended that one on an emo note! I was just trying to be creative. I promise. I have to go think about exams and things, though. I’ll be back next week, hopefully earlier. Get ready for May!

Matt