X-Men: The Last Stand

I don’t exactly know what these X-Men were Standing up against, for allegedly the Last time, but my first guess would be staying alive. Because there sure is a lot of death in this movie. And darts. It was actually a better movie than I expected it to be, as my expectations were hideously low. I liked the parts with Frasier, because he was a fantastic Beast, and also some of the parts with Xavier and Magneto — the scenes before and after the credits (make sure you stay!) are pretty creative.

But lots of things sucked, too! Like how the movie was shorter than X2: X-Men United (which is maybe the best superhero movie ever) despite having about nineteen more characters and four-times more plot. And also how a good portion of the already short running time was devoted to landscape shots of the Canadian countryside. Or how nothing really makes any sense, when you think about it. If I could fly and needed to get to an island out in the middle of the ocean, I would just fly me and my friends there. I would not, say, rip up the golden gate bridge and move it in a grand “Look at me! I’m about to commit EVIL!” gesture. But I’m more of a subtle megalomanic than Magneto is, I suppose.

In the end, though, X-Men: The Last Stand was an important movie because it really made me think. Mostly about how I would probably never go ice skating after a funeral, because I can’t think of a context in which it doesn’t seem disrespectful. A man just died; you can keep your skates in the closet for a while longer. Do people actually have overwhelming urges to go skating? It just doesn’t seem like the kind of activity that would inspire such feelings.

But then I thought about sporting activities that would be appropriate after a funeral. And there aren’t any, I don’t think. I could even quibble with something as innocuous as shuffleboard. There are definitely degrees of offensiveness, though. I’d say, for example, that bowling is far more appropriate post-funeral than, say, skating. And skating is more appropriate than waterskiing, which is, in turn, way more appropriate than base-jumping, skeet shooting or graverobbing. The latter of which is not really an athletic activity. But it probably does get the heart rate going.

So anyway. X-Men: The Last Stand is an okay movie. Lots of things explode and several people get stabbed, gutted, maimed and otherwise hurt by sharp things. At one point several people disintegrate. At another a house flies through the air. If these things appeal to you, so will X-Men: The Last Stand! But be advised that that scene in the trailer where Wolverine is all “There’s a war out there, do you understand that? You might not come home. She might not come home. Are you ready for that?” is not actually in the movie. So if you’re a big fan of that line and the way Hugh Jackman says home, be prepared for big disappointments.

Rating: Two stars! Out of a mystery number of stars!