We went with Princess Cruises, which did, in fact, make us feel like princesses. My camera is dying a slow death, so I don’t have a lot of pictures — and the ones I do have are pretty terrible — but I’ve posted what I’ve got. It’s not like a cruise ship is particularly photogenic. Sure, it’s beautiful, but all you really need to do is close your eyes and picture a blend of water and opulence. That’s really all there is to it.

We left out of San Diego, CA on the Dawn Princess and cruised down to the Mexican Riveria, with stops in Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta. Here’s a quick summary.

Day One

Erin and I need to wake up at 4 a.m. to catch our 7:15 flight out of Pearson. Erin sleeps, but I stay up all night playing Wii games. At customs, Erin is detained for over a half hour, likely because she has a Masters degree and is thus a threat to the American way of life. Things look dicey as she sits forever in the waiting room, but she’s cleared in time for us to make the gate.

The rest of the flight is uneventful as I take several Gravol and pass out in my seat. At San Diego airport, Erin’s luggage does not show up. She has terrible airport luck. Miraculously, her bag does come in with the next flight. One day in, we’ve already dodged two bullets.

Getting on the cruiseship is quick and easy, even though we are clearly clueless and don’t even have our boarding passes. The ship looks like this. We wander about and drink beers, still kind of baffled by this whole thing. The ship leaves port, we eat dinner, and head to bed early, exhausted.

Day Two

In the light of morning — and the blazing heat — we sit pool side but have no sun screen and end up with wicked sunburn. It’s still nice, though. I read a book for the first time in months. Then another. Then another. That’s really all I wanted.

It’s formal night on the ship, which we really haven’t prepared for, so we get some free room service and eat on our bed in our room. Our room is small and, without a window, seems to exist outside of time. But it’s cleaned twice a day and is comfortable, so I can hardly complain.

Afterwards we hit the bar and watch elderly people dance to the classics, which is truly one of life’s great joys.

Day Three

Ship docks in Cabo San Lucas, and we take a little boat to the beach to hang out for a little while. Mexico is striking in the shift from tourist-focused industry to abject poverty, but that’s kind of to be expected, I suppose. It was a really nice day, even if we did get harassed by so many people selling trinkets on the beach that eventually we just went back to the ship and sat by the pool some more.

Later in the afternoon we discover that the ship does afternoon trivia, which we actually win on our first attempt. Unfortunately we don’t really quite understand the rules and fail to claim our prize. We played every day after and, even when we joined forces with other cruisers, never managed to win again. Devastating.

At night we get a nice dinner in the dining room then go see Kevin Jordan do stand-up in the lounge. It’s way funnier than I expected.

Day Four

The ship hits Mazatlan, where we decide to go on a relativity cheap trolley tour. I took a zillion pictures of our tour guide and the things we saw, mostly because this was the one day when my camera actually worked reliably. There is also a crazy sequence where the tour guide, upon seeing a fish market, jumped off the bus and showed us lots of live sea creatures.

In the end, the tour is actually an elaborate ruse to get us inside a diamond store. Feeling betrayed, Erin and I meet up with a nice lady traveling with her wheelchair-bound mother and grab a cab back to the ship. I use the five dollars I was going to tip the guy as cab fare. This is my unique brand of Mexican justice.

Back on the ship, we do more poolside things, then lose at trivia, then go see another comedy act in the lounge. Only this one is a comedian-slash-magician, a mix that has only made me laugh once. The show’s terrible, so Erin and I leave early and get another good dinner and hit the bar for a while. The ship network is showing Transformers, which I’ve never seen, so I watch that until I fall asleep.

Day Five

Puerto Vallarta looks a lot like San Diego. It’s very urban. The ship even docks right across the street from a Wal-Mart. We walk around a bit and then go inside said Wal-Mart to buy the highest SPF sun screen we can get. Mexican Wal-mart is just like Canadian Wal-Mart except that nine-year-olds work the tills. Also: Spanish.

Back on board, we see Comedian Jim McDonald in the lounge. He’s good. We also lose at trivia, drink lots of Rum & Coke and then, once it gets dark, experience FIESTA NIGHT on the deck of the ship. Jimmy Buffet is played. Drinks light up. Men young and old whip their shirts off and dance together as some sort of sick, perverted contest. It’s great.

Day Six

Back at sea, there’s nothing to do except read, relax and lose at trivia twice. Erin is sleepy after fiesta night so I’m left alone for a few hours, in which I wander about the ship. On the deck near the front, I get to see three gray whales swin by. It’s neat.

It’s formal night again, so we eat in the Pizzeria. The entertainment is a ventriloquist who is actually kind of good, for a ventriloquist. There is definitely a limit to how funny ventriloquism can be, and this guy had clearly reached it. We make it back to the room and (shamefully) watch Enchanted in its entirety before going to bed.

Day Seven

Last day, and at sea again. It’s getting cold as we approach California, so we spend a lot of our time indoors, drinking and reading in the atrium area. The entertainment at night is a talent show, wherein an elderly man gets up and recites The Cremation of Sam McGee, complete with actions and lighting effects. It’s the best. Erin stands up and cheers “Whoo!” when it is over.

We enjoy a last-night dinner in the ship’s steak house, where we both have some pretty fantastic steaks and a bottle of wine (that I order as “your cheapest red”).

Day Eight

Making the long flight home is exhausting, especially as a bunch of snow fell on Toronto when we were gone. I manage to get my car stuck in the laneway behind our house at 1 a.m. and then swear a lot. Erin does a good job of pretending everything is cool. We go to bed with the car still stuck. I dig it out the next day.

Even with that, though, the trip was a lot of fun. I probably wouldn’t want to go on a cruise for all my vacations like some people do, as it’s a bit low-key and there’s not a lot in the way of culture, but for what I was looking for with this trip, it felt pretty perfect.

Rest of the Pictures.

Best Picture

Atonement is pretty but stupid. I’m definitely part of the Juno-backlash-backlash (i.e. I liked it, dammit) but I don’t feel great about rewarding a movie that starts with ten terrible minutes. Michael Clayton is good but probably a little too much 1970s. No Country For My Old Men is my “Why haven’t I watched it yet?” secret shame film from this year. I’ll get to it. I promise. There Will be Blood is totally great but I still kind of thought it was a step down for Paul Thomas Anderson.

Overall, though, it’s a good crop. Except for Atonement, which really only deserves nomination in the technical and cinematography categories. (Possibly Best Supporting Actress, too.) I can’t really pick between the remaining four, so let’s say…

Should Win: There Will Be Blood

Will Win: No Country For Old Men

Best Actor

Clooney is totally awesome in Michael Clayton; I have such a man crush it’s making me feel a little funny inside. Daniel Day-Lewis? I mean, come on. He’s the best thing going today. Johnny Depp should go to hell. I hate Sweeney Todd and never even saw it. Plus, I heard there’s a backlash against him. Tommy Lee Jones, I am pretty sure the movie you are nominated for does not really exist. And, lastly, Viggo Mortensen, I hope you have good seats. Because you will be sitting all night.

Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

Win Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

Best Actress

Cate Blanchett was apparently nominated on the strength of some people assuming it is still 1998. Julie Christie seems pretty good in Away From Her but, man, what a downer. The chick from La Vie En Rose is apparently awesome but, sadly, the movie is performed in some weird ancient dialect. Laura Linney is phenomenal in The Savages but no one saw it except for me. Ellen Page should realistically have a great chance of winning, but the academy doesn’t really like to give this award to young actresses. (Ask Kate Winslet.)

Should Win: Laura Linney

Will Win: Julie Christie

Best Supporting Actor

Casey Affleck is heavily handicapped by the fact that there is no earthly way the full title of his film will fit on the statuette base. Philip Seymour Hoffman is truly great in Charlie Wilson’s War but that movie kind of vanished. Hal Holbrook might as well be referred to tonight as “token old guy.” Tom Wilkinson didn’t really chew the scenery enough to win, though he was legitimately great. Javier Bardem has, I guess, gotten some critical acclaim for his role in No Country For Old Men.

Should Win: Tom Wilkinson

Will Win: Javier Bardem

Best Supporting Actress

Cate Blanchett? Whoa, Deja Vu. But she’s got a good chance. Definitely showy enough. (And the movie is great.) Ruby Dee might as well be referred to as “token old nominee” tonight, too. Saorise Ronan is the best part of a bad movie, but you would never guess how her name is pronounced. Amy Ryan? Yet to see it but hear good things. Tilda Swinton? Totally great.

Should Win: Tilda Swinton

Will Win: Cate Blanchett

Best Director

Paul Thomas Anderson should win just because he’s directed five films, all of which are great in different ways, but the voters probably don’t think like me. The Coens have a whole “legacy award” vibe going for them. Tony Gilroy has zero chance; it’s his first movie and he’s not Mel Gibson or Kevin Costner. Jason Reitman is probably a bit too young. Julian Schnabel is a token nominee. It’s between Anderson and the Coens, and the latter seems more likely.

Should Win: Paul Thomas Anderson

Will Win: The Coens

Best Original Screenplay

Brad Bird is handicapped by being part of the animated ghetto. I’d argue he’s the best writer of the five nominees, though. Diablo Cody has done what only Charlie Kaufman has done before her: become a ’star’ screenwriter. Gilroy has an outside chance, I guess, but he should probably just sit near Mortensen. Tamara Jenkins should be honoured just to be nominated. Nancy Oliver? Your movie was kind of quirky and cute but also incredibly ridiculous.

Should Win: Brad Bird

Will Win: Diablo Cody

Best Adapted Screenplay

Paul Thomas Anderson has a better shot of winning here if he doesn’t get Best Director. It’s the same with the Coens. Screenplay awards are great consolation prizes. Hampton, Harwood and Polley only have outside shots if the vote gets split right down the middle between the front-runners.

Should Win: Paul Thomas Anderson

Will Win: Paul Thomas Anderson

Best Animated Feature

I hate this category and it should not exist. Perseopolis is supposed to be great but I don’t think it was seen by enough people to squeak it out. Surf’s Up is a joke nomination. It’s all Ratatouille.

Should Win: Ratatouille

Will Win: Ratatouille

Quick Picks for other categories

Art Direction: Atonement

Cinematography: Atonement

Costume Design: Elizabeth

Documentary: No End in Sight

Documentary Short: (Flipping a weird four-sided coin) Sari’s Mother

Editing: Bourne Ultimatum

Foreign Language: The Counterfeiters

Make-up: La Vie En Rose

Score: Atonement

Original Song: Falling Slowly (probably the best part of the ceremony will be this being played)

Sound Editing: No Country

Sound Mixing: No Country

Visual Effects: Pirates

Animated Short: I Met The Walrus

Live-Action Short: At Night

And today’s finale issue is the best thing I’ve read in months.

If you haven’t read this series, check it out. There are no superheroes. It’s drawn by a fabulous artist with a focus on character, emotion and great dialogue. There are monkeys and amazons and ninjas and spies. There’s sex and violence and terribly bad language. There are terrificly exciting scenes, and heartbreakingly sad ones. It’ll confuse you, it’ll frustrate you, and it will captivate you. I really can’t recommend it highly enough.

I got the Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock for the Wii for Christmas. Apparently it has major issues with the sound, but I’ve been far too pre-occupied to really notice. See, while other Wii owners have apparently been recording waveforms and doing labour-intensive comparisons, I’ve been trying to precisely document everything I’ve felt as a first time owner of a “rhythm game”.

As a guy who has never had even a little bit of rhythm, the experience can sort of be summed up thusly:

• Pressing colourful buttons when the screen tells you to? Sure, that’s fun.
• Wait, hold on.
• HOLD ON.
• I have to strum?
• Oh, I get it.
• Fuck.
• Fuck.
• Fuck.
• Fuck.
• Yay!
• Fuck.
• Fuck.

That whole process repeated for days and days, until I got good. At Easy. Then there was a powerful but brief feeling of jubilation. Then I started Medium, and all that jubilation was replaced with a whole lot more Fucks. Don’t even ask me about Hard.

I still don’t really get why the game is fun. It definitely is fun, though — I’d never argue otherwise. But, like, I think of games like Zelda, where clearly a team of over a hundred people have spent over a year of their lives pulling all these pieces together, and have to wonder how a game where a half-dozen guys set a bunch of colourful bubbles to classic rock songs can really stack up.

But it does. It makes me feel like a rock star. A rock star who can’t ever use his orange button and always pusses out whenever the notes are spaced too closely together. But a rock star, nonetheless.

So here it is: 2007 in a series of increasingly banal questions.

01. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

I still think it’d be ridiculously sad if anyone could answer ‘nothing’ to this question. At the very least, you’d have “lived through Jordin Sparks’ American Idol win” or whatever. Thankfully, though, I have a little bit more than that. Here’s some quick highlights: presented in front of more than a hundred people; taught a classroom of students despite not being a teacher; went to New York City; saw a broadway musical (and pretended not to love it); saw a Canadian Idol perform in a non-parade float setting (Rex Goudie); played (and did pretty well) at the “Flip Cup” drinking game with like 900 plastic cups of Blue Light; moved in with a girl; moved in with a girl in TORONTO; said ‘hello’ to a hooker a bunch of times; went to Europe and pretended to only be mildly impressed (was actually incredibly impressed!); oversaw a giant database thing that has yet to consume me but still will; won a singing contest in a hotel bar in Huntsville, ON; learned to play Guitar Hero.

02. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I went really simple last year and resolved to stop wearing my wallet in my back pocket. I had, up until then, been a staunch proponent of the back-pocket wallet, because it strikes me as incredibly manly and something that would encourage chest hair growth. But after years of doing it, it was really starting to fuck up my sitting posture and make me uncomfortable. So I took the plunge, cut down to only carrying cash and a few cards, and keep everything in my front pocket. When I need more stuff, I tend to just bring a bag along with me. A messenger bag. Even though I am not, and have never been, a messenger.

As last year’s resolution was a smashing success, I feel like I need to shoot for something at a similar level to maintain my batting percentage. To that end, I’m thinking I’ll resolve to read more books and less wikipedia. I’d kind of like to extend that to decreasing my obsessive need to know about everything, but that’s reaching for the stars, and I merely want to put my hands a little bit above my head.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Last time I answered this, I wrote: “My cousin Katie has a BABY. This is weird in so many different ways, the biggest of which is that she’s only a few months older than I am. And if I found out I was going to have a child I would probably explode. Like, literally, I would erupt and fire would come out of my ears and steam out my head and then I would be in pieces all over the place. And people could try to sweep up those pieces and glue me back together but, when they did, I would just explode again, because seriously: a BABY? Does this mean I have to get up before NOON?”

So, yeah, copy that, again, because she had another kid. A girl this time, named Keegan. I don’t even have any jokes about that one.

04. Did anyone close to you die?

No. I am 24-years-old and have yet to go to a funeral, which means I’m either entirely lucky or just don’t know anybody. Fictionally, though, I guess there was Charlie from Lost, which was kind of a douchebag move. And I’m currently watching season seven of The West Wing and this whole John Spencer thing sure is a kick in the teeth. And Captain America. I hate the Red Skull.

Other than that: Erin had a bunch of her fish die, I suppose.

05. What countries did you visit?

New York City in the winter, then Ireland and London in the summer, as part of an incredible fact-finding mission. Facts found: Irish people love the Pope! Guinness is made in a factory! Oscar Wilde was gay! War-time houses were, if not a little depressing, entirely delightful! Showering in a hallway is equally as effective as showering in a bathroom! My left ankle can still shatter like glass!

06. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

I need to slow down a little bit and not let my mind get so consumed by work. I need to reach out more, e-mail more, make myself more of a presence. I need to get over this weird kind of internet agoraphobia where it’s like, “if I go online and talk to people and write things, it’s just going to take up all my time and be stressful.” Because that’s just insane.

07. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Haha, the last time I answered this I assume it meant ‘calendar date’ but I think it means, actually, romantic date. In 2007, all my dates were with the same girl, to the point where we never call them ‘dates’. My favourite ones:

• the time in New York City when we went to an airport-themed bar and watched the NBA all-star game skills competition and these two guys at the bar just had the most hilarious rape-themed jokes you’ve ever heard
• the time in Ireland where we walked through the park in Dublin and looked at a bunch of pictures of African animals which were on display for some reason
• Walking down to the waterfront in Burlington, fully expecting to see The Trews play but then getting held up at, of all things, a fucking Aaron Lines concert, and enjoying the hell out of it
• Toronto’s Nuit Blanche — a big all-night art thing — especially at the end, where it was almost 4:30 a.m. and we were exhausted and we walked sleepily through the rather surreal gay village and then ended up in the lobby at the Eaton Centre, where there was a giant balloon house thing
• A string of Saturday nights in Toronto taking the subway and seeing pretentious documentaries and films

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I did really well professionally, I think, and I’m rather proud of that. I’m still doing things that feel like they’re way beyond my experience and relative maturity, but I’m not sure that will ever stop. I guess just “Keeping it all together into adulthood” would be a good summation.

Making the front page of digg with my work on be-something was also pretty cool, even if it is a little frivolous and, honestly, not that hard if you know how to pander.

09. What was your biggest failure?

The writing, mostly. As I said above, it’s been a little too easy to let my personal life (outside of my immediate relationship) fall to the wayside in favor of working, and thinking about work, all the time. I really want to get back on track with more me-related stuff, as opposed to shouldering the burden of improving all of education in Ontario.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Compared to other years, I did pretty well this year! I did sprain the hell out of my ankle on my last night in London after just sort of walking funny (it was late and I really had to pee!), but that’s happened before. Aside from terrible airport experiences the next day, it wasn’t that bad. I got to kick back and relax all the next week.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

It was not quite a banner year for consumerism, compared to past years of just buying all sorts of random DVDs and trinkets, but I still got some neat stuff. In February I took the HDTV plunge and I enjoy the hell out of that. The plane tickets to Europe were totally awesome. And this nice new apartment, which I continue to purchase each and every month. Also, videogame-wise, there was Super Mario Galaxy which looks to be one of my favourite games of all time.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

We’re all doing well. As I sort of recall trumpeting at my New Year’s Eve party, we’re all adults now — that’s fucked up! And great. Because it wasn’t that long ago that none of us had any goddamn idea where we were going.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Aaron Sorkin with that “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” bullshit.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent and groceries, I suppose. Though I don’t really worry too much about it. It sort of goes where it goes. It’s not like I’m planning on making any giant-ticket purchases (ie. a house) any time soon.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

2007 was not really a year of anticipation, if that makes any sense. I just sort of took every day as it came, and built forward toward more good days. Maybe that’s what happens when you get older. It’s not like you can be all “Man, I can’t wait for summer break!” or wait for next semester or anything. It’s all here, right in front of you — you’re facing it.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

I have really really fond memories of Mr. Rory O’Sullivan doing a spoken-word version of Rihanna’s “Umbrella” during our Europe trip, so probably that. It’s clearly not the best song of the year, but it’s fairly definitive for the summer, isn’t it? You know what else was awesome, though? The Mario Galaxy Gusty Gardens theme.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

I. happier or sadder? Happier, but I was pretty happy before, too.
II. thinner or fatter? I think I’ve been fairly consistent over the last year, which is to say: a little too fat but not too bad, all things considered. I hope, anyway. I could be deluding myself.
III. richer or poorer? A little bit richer, but not in free time!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Write. Keep in touch. Read books. Receive boundless accolades.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Humouring work-related people with meetings even though I knew they weren’t going to come through in the end. I am going to be far more cut-throat when it comes to business in 2007. Think Emilio Estevez at the start of The Mighty Ducks only without the DUI. And the redemption through coaching PeeWee hockey later on.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At the cottage again this year, for what was a double-header Christmas, spanning four days of festivities and, of course, mirth. I drank responsibly, which made me feel old. Then humoured my hyperactive cousin. Then we ate turkey. Later, my parents made me play a Jeopardy-style trivia game. There was a lot of Guitar Hero by the end. One of the best Christmases ever.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Nah, it was there when it started.

22. How many one-night stands?

Erin and I have two night stands in our bedroom, one on either side of the bed. This is my enduring joke for all time.

23. What was your favourite TV program?

Huh, I don’t know. It was kind of a sad year for TV, compared to recent years. I did really like the Extras Christmas Special, though, schmaltzy and heavy-handed as it was.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Absolutely not. Again, it’s that weird phase in your life where the people you dislike should really have faded away by now, I would think.

25. What was the best book you read?

It was not a particularly good year for fiction for me, but that’s entirely my fault. I was really very nerdily captivated by Don Tapscott and Anthony D. Williams’ Wikinomics, though. It gets my “Best Business Book of the Year” award.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Regina Spektor, Spoon, the Once soundtrack, Kimya Dawson (and The Moldy Peaches), the Original Cast Recording of Wicked (Shut up, fucker.).

27. What did you want and get?

A really nice, if a bit stressful, kind of day-to-day life that is actually very reminiscent of being a grown-up.

28. What did you want and not get?

Hm, a surround sound system and a couple of days lying in the sun with a book. I’m counting on both of those in 2008, though. And a conclusion to this project I’m working on, as bittersweet as that will likely be.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?

That would be spoiling!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Erin and I had a quiet but fun night at The Madison in Toronto, eating and drinking and then, later, watching this weird group of people play Second Life on a projector in the corner of the pub.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I’d like to quote myself from 2005 again: I dunno. It was pretty good. More spooning, I guess. I really like to spoon. If someone would spoon with me every time I want to watch TV, that would be pretty ideal.

So this year I’ll just say nothing.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Almost entirely unchanged, except for injection of more formalwear! I own two whole suits right now!

33. What kept you sane?

Weekly comic book downloads, going to the movies, marathoning TV series on DVD and the motherfucking CBC Radio One.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I kind of had a weird thing for Amy Winehouse this year, but that’s just entirely weird. Tina Fey, by and large, was my biggest celebrity crush, after Sarah Silverman had to go and ruin herself by talking way too much about animal ass.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

I’m really all about Toronto City politics now, particularly when it comes to public transit. I’ve become one of those guys who likes to wander around and silently curse at all the goddamned driving that goes on every day. Even though I, you know, drive almost every day.

36. Who did you miss?

I miss the time when there wasn’t a Facebook, and long-distance interaction wasn’t seemingly expected on a near-hourly basis. I also miss the people I am bad at keeping in touch with.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I can’t even keep names straight anymore!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you earned in 2007:

That first song in Guitar Hero III where it’s all “Slow Ride, Take it Easy” — that was pretty fantastic in a lot of ways.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Regina Spektor’s “On the Radio” was infectious:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

Plus, anything that references “November Rain” is entirely okay by me.

40. How did 2007 change you?

I got a lot harder and a little less sentimental. I think that’s a good thing, all in all. I used to fully and entirely devote myself to the belief that EVERYBODY could be SOMETHING if they just worked at it the right way. Now I still believe that, but understand that not everyone’s going to figure it out.

41. What was the most important letter (electronic or otherwise) you wrote in 2007?

In the spring, I wrote a short letter to the Burlington Post expressing how incredulous I was about the reported cost of a big sign the city put in a parking lot. I was mostly joking. Over the next few weeks, several people (in the oddest places) congratulated me on my insight.

42. Most favourite month?

The year ended strong, so December has got to be perennial favourite. Like I said above, though, it’s hard to answer questions like this when your year isn’t so structurally defined by summer breaks and semester changes and stuff.

43. Least favourite month?

October was a bit of a bitch work-wise, but I still wouldn’t complain about it.

44. Biggest revelation you had about yourself learned in 2005?

I’m not a bad public speaker, at least not when I’m speaking about something I know a lot about. I still tend to make jokes that I am fully aware no one in the audience will ever get (throwing out references to the old man inHome Alone at a cooperative education conference in 2007 is not ever going to work) but I sort of pride myself on those at this point. Looking back, I really can’t quite understand why I was so adamant about dropping every class in university that had a presentation component.

45. If you could go back to one year ago today, and say something to yourself then, you’d say…

It’d probably be just “Look, dude, you’re not that bad at this after all” and then me-in-the-past would be all “duh, I know.” And then we would high-five and be the best of pals.

See you next year!

Here’s what I was able to gather:

• Series creator Lynn Johnston, is pretty much completely out of touch at this point, insofar as nothing really makes sense. Once known for her realistic dialogue and story lines, Johnston is now perfectly content making up new teenage slang that no one would ever use.
• Due to unfortunate health problems and a desire to settle down in her elder years, Johnston has changed the strip’s format — things no longer progress in real-time, and much of the strips are now taken up by flashbacks (reruns of old art).
• Continuing on that last point, she’s also going through a divorce from her long-time husband, Rod, who is the basis for the John Patterson character in the comic. This has led, perhaps coincidentally, to most of the flashbacks we’ve seen so far depicting John as a dim-witted shell of a character, who never really contributed anything to heroine Ellie’s life in any meaningful way.
• As her own marriage falls apart, Johnston has taken on an almost pathological desire to put together daughter-character Elizabeth with creepy-mustache-guy Anthony, to the point that her story lines have taken on an entirely illogical quality as she works to revert these characters to their teenagers-in-love status.
• Her son, who has written perhaps the the worst novel ever — about, again perhaps coincidentally, a woman who marries a “ruthlessly cruel and controlling man” — has taken on a saintly quality in the strips, where Johnston frequently attempts to portray him as the awesomest guy ever, even though he doesn’t seem to like his wife or children very much.
• Johnston has apparently taken much of her frustration out on the Grandpa Jim character, who seems to be cursed with immortality, forever having strokes but not dying. He is now unable to speak but continues to think lucidly (much like the guy in Metallica’s “One” video) — his one consolation is his frequently vivid fantasy sequences in which he hits on teenage girls.

All that said, here are the most ridiculous For Better or For Worse strips to come during Johnston’s long, hard road into madness.

And, seriously, Tropical Storm Noel? What a delightful way to usher in the holiday season! I don’t know why I ever moved back to stupid boring-weather Ontario.

Recently, though, I’ve been driving a lot more than I used to. I commute from Toronto into Burlington three or four times a week, and while the morning zoo/alt-rock/classic-rock combination carried me through the first few weeks of the drive, I soon learned that there’s only so many times I can hear “Crazy Train”, “Bleed it Out” and Todd Shapiro do his stupid effeminate joke voice before I just completely lose the will to live and strongly consider driving my car off the highway and into a median.

So I became a CBC guy.

It happened pretty naturally. First, I just wanted something that would give me traffic reports more regularly. Then, I start tuning in for the news, as a way to help me pass the time. Soon after, I started listening to the segments in between the traffic and the news. Before I knew it, I wasn’t even bothering changing the station back to music at all. I was enthralled. I was fascinated. I was intrigued, piqued and engrossed. I was enchanted by CBC Radio One.

Now it’s hard to stop. It’s amazing how quickly you start dropping your listening to habits into casual conversation. It was only days after I made the switch than I started using the phrase “On the CBC today they were saying…” and then launching into some completely irrelevant factoid about organic farming in Switzerland or the fusion of the bongo with electronica. Suddenly I’m well-aware of all the esoteric and high-minded events happening all over the Greater Toronto Area, from the ManifesTO hip-hop festival to the Historical Wine Auction to the opening gala of the Adriennne Clarkson-translated French farce Dying to be Sick. In the past week alone I’ve made bumper-to-bumper traffic seem entirely pleasant due to incredibly entertaining Matt Galloway-interviews with Jason Priestley, Buck 65, Bret “The Hitman” Hart and a very pissed off John Tory.

It’s awesome. It’s compelling. It’s turning me into a major-league tool. And I’m on record as saying that it’s all Matt Galloway’s fault. It just so happens that his “Here and Now” show is on at the same time as my afternoon commute. It just so happens that he has this way of talking that makes everything sound so damn amazing. Sure, he may not have the “cool factor” of Jian Ghomeshi, but Jian is totally lacking Galloway’s down-home charm. For me, my love for the CBC starts — but by no means does it end — with Galloway. He was my gateway drug.

The very fact that I can compare the various virtues of CBC hosts is kind of disturbing in and of itself. As much as I’m loving my new listening regime, I can’t help but feel that this is a start of something very dark and sinister. If I’m this far in after only two months, how long before I give up on private radio and commercial music altogether? How long before I’m attending five theatre openings a week, sipping chai tea and discussing this year’s pinot noir? What if I completely lose the ability to make jokes that don’t somehow relate back to Glenn Gould? It could totally happen. (There are a lot of jokes to make about Glenn Gould.)

For the first time in a long while, I fear for my own future. If not for the knowledge that Matt Galloway will be talking about this year’s Massey Lecture on his show tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’d even go on.